My entry will be quite short. I am currently in the middle of crafting a post about recently going back through the disability claims process with the Department of Veterans Affairs but it is appropriate to take a break to share that today is my 33rd birthday.
I am very blessed to make it to 33 years of age. I came home from Iraq the first time on my 21st birthday and my birthday has taken on a different meaning since that important transition.
Like my 2005 birthday, I did indulge in some alcohol. Back then it was beer and cranberry vodka shots (Not a good idea…I repeat a horrible freaking idea…don’t repeat my mistake…seriously, do not make this mistake…you’ll puke a lot) and tonight I enjoyed a new Chardonnay at one of my favorite places, Bar Vinedo. I made the adult decision to stop at reasonable point, made easier by the fact I’m completing the Fighter Diet and have a horrible ability to tolerate alcohol right now.
I like to keep my birthday festivities to quiet small gatherings. My daughter changed my plans further today when she asked (last night to her dad) about hanging out with me for the day in lieu of attending school. How do I say no to such a cute request?! I threw out plans I had today to enjoy being a hermit while she and my husband were in school, completing my lower body workout and cardio routine, reading from Mind Over Money: The Psychology of Money and How to Use It Better, and taking a nap. Yes, I had great ambitions as an adult for birthday indulgences!!!
I still kept to my Fighter Diet workout routine, mostly because I wanted to not feel guilty about indulging for dinner (dessert was not planned at all!). I like working out. Do I always want to work out? No. However, it is great seeing the progress I’ve made and I know I’ll continue to make progress with mostly healthy eating habits and sticking to a solid workout routine.
Instead of hanging out with my fellow Marines in the barracks drinking horrible drink concoctions, my husband, daughter and I went out to dinner after I spent the day in my daughter’s company doing kid friendly things (splitting lunch and a cookies and cream monsoon, hanging out at the playground, and completing homemade craft projects).
Cookies and cream monsoon with coffee from the Agritopia Coffee Shop.
I am very grateful I took today off from work. My birthday is one of those days I quite enjoy a quiet respite from my typical hectic pace. This year, I enjoyed it even more since I stayed up late watching an few episodes of Gilmore Girlswith my family and additionally, my daughter camped out on the couch with me depriving me of a full night’s sleep.
My day ended with a fabulous grilled cheese and prosciutto sandwich, some of my favorite french fries, and this delicious dessert which I’ve been hesitant to order before because it has banana ice cream. Chocolate Mousse+pecan crust+chocolate ganache+ brûlée banana ice cream covered in salted caramel + chocolate drizzle on the side=How did I not order this item earlier? (Yes, my fear that it would be too banana flavored.)
Good night, everyone. I hope your day turned out as well as mine and when your birthday rolls around, it’s just as wonderful. I owe many thanks to everyone who loves me and wished me a happy birthday in text message, Facebook posts, voice mails, emails,and so on.
I have a great support system.
~Cheryl
Pecan Chocolate Torte ($7)….It’s better than birthday cake.
Good morning, everyone. I am fueling my day with a cup of Black Rifle Coffee Company’s CAF as we begin this Thursday morning. This coffee is pretty good; I . I know BRCC was in the news recently for their statement regarding hiring 10,000 veterans, sparked by Starbucks’ campaign to hire 10,000 refugees. (By the way, I am all for hiring both! I think any nation should work adamantly to reduce its unemployment numbers and if our nation is a landing place for refugees who are starting life over because they cannot go home or no longer have a home to go to and veterans seek a new occupation outside of public and military service, it’s ok to help both demographics.)
Life, as always, has been crazy busy. I’m killing it (or at least trying to) with the Fighter Diet Challenge and now that I’m in Week 5 I am starting to see more improvement. I am down 3 3/16″even without being 100% focused on the diet aspect of the routine. Seven more weeks to go so please expect more updates as I continue this journey.
Yesterday I agreed to participate in an upcoming engagement called She Went to War, being hosted at the Chandler Public Library on March 11th from 10 am to 12 pm. This event will be the first time I will be on a panel outside of Arizona State University and provides me with a unique chance to talk about my applied project, the role this blog has played in my life and sharing my experiences with family and friends, and learn from fellow panelists about different ways to open up conversations regarding military service.
For those who have followed my blog for awhile, you know February is tough since Feb. 2nd is the anniversary of Captain Brock’s death. Your patience when I take times from writing to breath and find quiet time in my life is greatly appreciated. Awhile back, I realized I inadvertently mentioned my father-in-law’s death and Captain Brock’s death occurring on the same day and I realized why. For me, I was in Iraq at the time and I was notified February 2nd. I can still recall sitting down at the computer in our recreation center and trying to comprehend this information and losing my composure completely when I went to my supervisor’s office to tell them I needed to go home.
I know if we were not married at the time, my unit likely would not have granted me the opportunity to leave to be there for my husband, his mother, and sister in their time of need. For all the ways the second deployment served as a disappointment in my life, my unit’s response to get me home is one of the best examples of leadership I found in the Corps. I was a mess trying to figure out what to do with my gear and rifle and they coordinated the logistics to expedite my homecoming. Below is the start of that journey home from OIF 5-7 (when I was serving at Camp Al Asad, Iraq).
I must leave you now to go to work but thank you as always for your viewership.
I’m short on time today so thanks for letting me stop by to check in and keep things simple. I am learning (again) how to restructure my time to meet changing commitments and my journey into Fighter Diet is something I would still like to bring into conversation for the duration of this challenge.
As I’m getting acclimated towards a hefty amount of meal prep (What was I thinking when I thought it would be less meal prep?) I notice I’m struggling to find time for everything. My reliance on already prepared (and mostly prepared) foods is changing as I see how much work it is to set up multiple meals for the week. The more I open my eyes the more I need to tweak my routine. I will say I miss some of the convenience of chow hall life now as I am no longer carefree to saunter in, grab food off a chow line, eat and then deposit my dishes for someone else to wash!!!
What a privilege that convenience was as a young adult.
Tomorrow signifies the end of the first two weeks and I’m no perfect person (hello junk food I’ve eaten along the way) but I find the workouts easier to stick with than the eating habits. Even in late elementary school, I liked running and because the weightlifting is helping me make huge strides in reducing my back pain I power through those no problem.
Right now I’m playing with trial and error a lot with one of my least favorite ingredients, the kale. I know it’s not a forever food item but I have plans to forego eating it for quite some time after this challenge concludes.
I am looking forward to getting back into Marine Corps shape (or hopefully, better) after undergoing this twelve week transformation. I am already eating healthier than I do on a regular basis and haven’t consumed a glass of wine or beer since Day 1. That’s a good start.
It would be nice to show everyone that you can leave the military and work on picking up a healthier lifestyle along the way, especially if you were like me and ate a lot of junk food as a service member. Looking back, I do wish I had cared to adopt healthier eating habits much earlier in life. Now, it takes some serious work and I’m stumbling along the way with all this meal prep.
With a full 40 hour week schedule plus almost 2 hours of commuting free time does not come easy. Additionally, I don’t sacrifice (much) on sleep. I’ve established a regular sleeping routine as it’s one of the key things that helps me more successfully manage my chest pains. I like going to be no later than 9:30-10:00 p.m. as best as possible and ideally I’d like to wake up at 6am but with my commute, I get up between 5:00 and 5:30 a.m. most days. For this challenge, I’ve tried waking up at 04:30 a.m. to help prepare breakfast and lunch before my day wakes for the day and it wasn’t conducive to my lifestyle.
Hence, biting the bullet and losing free time on my weekend. The end result is worth it. I ended up with 9 full size waffles and one kid-sized one, 2 dinner sides for Monday, dinner entrees Monday through Friday, and lunch sides (so long as my creations are edible) for two days. I put the kale in my slow cooker which is why I say “so long as my creations are edible” they count as lunch sides. I attempted to do a healthier version of collard greens but this one might be a failure. It’s hard to tell by smell alone with kale whether the end result will be good.
I think my favorite unexpected part of this weekend was learning you can use whey protein powder to make a latte. This item makes the plan easier to enjoy.
I can’t wait to enjoy the “extra time” I got back in my week thanks to prepping today. Have a great week ahead.
~Cheryl
Waffles for days!!!Chock full of Lily’s Dark Chocolate Chips.
The week ahead I will start my fitness challenge and I recognized today my desire to regain physical strength and health, often a matter of privilege, also coincides with another area of privilege or disadvantage–depending on your income levels–which is food spending. Just recently, I shared with you all a number of goals for the year and how important it is for me to consider my financial ability to meet those objectives.
If you’ve had the chance to check out my Instagram account you’ll notice I ‘talk’ a lot about food; dining out, grocery shopping, and home cooked meals are frequent subjects in my photographs. I love exploring food culture and experiences and in the past, I didn’t write to you all about why I am that way.
As a child, one of my earliest memories about the importance of a food budget came in elementary school. One of my teachers assigned our class to construct a pretend food budget using store circulars. I loved this assignment. I thought it was fun to ‘spend’ pretend money and a seed was planted about the enjoyment of providing for one’s needs. I cut out all sorts of images (with the food prices) to round out my budget. I do not recall what my budget was (this was back in the 1990’s) but I wish I had recalled if my teacher had us plan for a family or for a single person’s grocery budget.
My parents raised four children and although both of my parents worked (my dad served in the Navy), my mother also used child support from my biological father to meet our needs. I knew early on I did not see myself raising a family mirroring the one I grew up in; I’m pretty certain around eleven years of age I told my dad I wasn’t having children. After my mother’s passing–and my dad started his life again with my stepmother–I inherited two new siblings. Being in a household of six children, I recognized more and more how difficult food spending can be on a family, especially during the teenage years.
While serving as a United States Marine, I also recognized outside the institution of family, other institutions impact our access to food and food spending. The Marine Corps provided me with what’s known as a basic allowance for subsistence (BAS). The 2014 numbers show $357.77 per month for enlisted service members. During boot camp, combat training, MOS school, and while I lived in the barracks, my meals were provided to me, instead of receiving the dollar amount of the BAS. (As a related matter, instead of receiving a basic allowance for housing like married service members, when I was in training and a single Marine early in my career, I instead receiving accommodations in barracks. These accommodations are in my opinion not equitable to the freedom married service members have in using their funds to find their suitable family residence, be it an apartment, condo, or single family home.)
The chow halls have their own rotating menu selections, including entrees, sides, drinks (no alcohol, obviously), and dessert options. During boot camp, my fellow recruits and I were not permitted to enjoy desserts, although some people did sneak snacks at time and the group was punished for these individual actions. While at MOS school, our instructors were not shy about criticizing us for indulging in ‘fat pills’ when we choose to eat pre-packaged snacks provided to us during training. My first unit set up a coffee mess in our office so we could purchase pre-packaged snack items on site; the coffee mess permitted us to enjoy some nice snacks without always walking across our camp (Camp Margarita on Camp Pendleton) to the PX, which was closer to my barracks than work. For both deployments, no one seemed to care whether you chose to eat healthy or eat junk, so long as you still met Marine Corps height and weight requirements. I rather liked the chow hall selections on both deployments over the stateside chow halls with the exception of milk. We had shelf-stable milk products (in regular, chocolate, and strawberry) in Iraq and on both deployments, I ended up with a package of spoiled milk.
After separating from the Marine Corps, I found myself for the first time in a position to be (almost) solely responsible for food budgeting, shopping, and preparation. My husband was still serving so we had BAS to meet our food budget needs, but I taught myself how to cook by watching Food Network. I tried shopping at the commissary on Camp Pendleton and it’s rather a tie between it and Walmart as my most despised places to grocery shop. On one side, the commissary has rules on what constitutes proper clothes (and you will be asked to leave if you are dressed inappropriately) so I’m not annoyed by people traipsing around in pajamas like every Walmart shopping trip I’ve ever had. On the other side, it’s easy to find a Walmart everywhere I’ve ever lived and their selections do beat the sparse variety of military commissary shelves.
As I prepare for this fitness challenge, I am confronted by the fact my routines for food purchases and preparation require greater consideration. Just as I have in the past, I allow myself greater freedom for initial stocking up purchases, like cooking oils, and I try not to berate myself if the first week of food is more expensive compared to my typical food purchases. Usually, I have a lower grocery food budget because we also add in a dining out budget. The USDA provides it own food plan costs across numerous budgets but I would say we try to spend no more than $100-$160 per week for our family of three. Some weeks are more expensive because we are paying for bulk purchases like paper goods and cooking oils and our less expensive weeks we might only be buying fruits and vegetables (those weeks we spend $30-$40 typically) when we have sufficient frozen meat products or leftovers.
Trader Joe’s Trip (7 January 2017)
Trader Joe’s happens to be one of my favorite places to grocery shop since I can maximize my budget more without sacrificing on my shopping experience (I know, I’m talking privilege here) because again, fellow Walmart shoppers drives me a little crazy (please wear real pants, that’s all I’m asking for). If you can overlook the parking situation, Trader Joe’s has good prices on everything and they have a fairly good mix of things (produce, bread, meat and cheese products, even alcohol. Keep in mind, you might not find everything you need there. (Thankfully, the Trader Joe’s I went to today also had a Sprouts conveniently next door. Sprouts is more expensive than Walmart but they have some nice specialty items Walmart doesn’t carry and I love their bulk bin foods.) I implore you to shop there at least once to check things out; word of advice though: do go early, after they open at 9am. If you go during the height of their busy hours, you just might hate me for encouraging you to visit their store.
We managed to get almost everything we needed for this upcoming week and most purchases were made at Trader Joe’s. Our fridge is not big enough to purchase all the cauliflower we need so we’ll head by to the store about midweek and we might need to grab more ground turkey as well. My husband’s trying the fighter diet as well, but with some small adjustments, like using cocoa powder instead of the Lily’s Dark Chocolate Stevia Sweetened Chips so we can save a little money. I am happy though for the first four weeks of this fitness challenge, my diet will be approximately 1,700 calories and it’s filled with foods I like (egg whites, kale, shrimp, chocolate, cauliflower, Cheerios, although we are using Trader O’s instead) and things that will fill me out, even if I’m not entirely sure I’ll like them (oat bran and whey protein…I’ve tried some protein powders before that are terrible, so we’ll see).
Sadly, as I write you all, it came to my attention, I completely overlooked buying mushrooms for the week and I will be making another shopping run. Because I was a bit absent-minded at times like today, we picked up oat bran at Safeway and since Trader Joe’s didn’t have hemp oil we picked it up at Sprout’s.
Excluding non-Fighter Diet purchases for our daughter, we spent $129.77 on our meal items.Trader Joe’s didn’t have Hemp Oil so we picked it up at Sprouts ($7.99).
Groceries Tally for Fighter Diet (Most of Week 1 for 2 Adults)
Trader Joe’s $129.77
Sprouts (Hemp Oil) $7.99
Natural Grocer’s $12.50
(Lily’s Choc. Chips)
Safeway ( 4 boxes, 16oz. Oat Bran) $11.96 (We bought more than a week’s worth.)
Total FD Spending $169.22
***This week, we still need mushrooms (approx. 9-8oz. containers) which might run $18-$20 total and approximately 6 other packages of cauliflower, which would be $14.94 would put our total just over $200 for 2 adults. I think the rounded number works best for future planning. I’m not sure what most people would think if I tell them to imagine spending $100 per week on their food consumption, but we can easily go over that number when we grocery shop and dine out.
The Fighter Diet chocolate whey (sold individually) costs $54.95 and with approximately 37 servings, an individual portion costs $1.49. A day’s worth (3 servings) is $4.47.
To keep things simple, our daily food cost will be just over $14 per adult and I’m using the amount $4.47 for daily whey protein consumption. I bought it as part of the package for my fitness challenge ($149.99). This plan, for us, has a manageable food budget (compared to a food delivery service we tried not too long ago) and will be less expensive once we get into the weeks with food swaps. Additionally, I am eager it doesn’t have a lot of meal prep; again, we tried others that wanted us to make 5-6 meals! I’m happy to only have three meals and on-the-go snacks that don’t require significant time.
For less than $20 a day, I am fueling my body with three meals and two snacks and I’m ok with how insane this number might look to other people. I won’t always be spending this amount of money but to get back on track with my health, I am choosing to sacrifice spending in other areas of my life which I don’t consider to be as important.
~Cheryl
Note: In case you were wondering about my daughter, she’s got plenty to eat this week as well. Aside from the less than $29 we spent today on school lunch sides, snacks, and breakfast cereal bars, we also have pantry items, fresh veggies, and frozen leftovers on hand meant for her. She eats like a champ (hardly ever indulging in soda and she mostly despises ice cream) and we ensure she gets as many nutritious meals and healthy snacks (fruit, cheese, etc.) as her little heart and stomach desire.
Hello, everyone. I know New Year’s treated you well. I spent my three-day weekend at home and enjoyed a slight decrease (much to my appreciation) in fireworks exposure. My new neighbors don’t seem to go quite as crazy as the ones I had in the Willows neighborhood in Gilbert. If you like fireworks, you might enjoy a stroll through this neighborhood on the 4th of July or New Year’s Eve; I anticipate in a neighborhood of 586 houses so long as the Town of Gilbert permits fireworks, people will set up small fireworks shows just outside their front doors. For today though, I’ll like to start my first 2007 versus 2017 post.
2007 was important for me because I completed my active duty service with the Marine Corps and started to explore what life beyond the Corps would look and feel like, my taste of adult freedom if you will. I won’t say I made smart money moves back then so as we begin this new journey looking back and discussing my future in 2017, please know I will likely discuss money a lot. My financial needs were met very well on active duty; my husband and I did not have any kids while I was serving and we both collected a housing allowance. Since we both served, we received one full housing allowance and the other received a partial housing allowance. I do apologize that I do not recall the actual monetary amounts because I understand this knowledge aids our conversation greatly. All too often, a young service member will complain about not having sufficient pay for food, housing, etc. but for our household size and relative expenses, we always came out ahead even after I separated until we moved to Wyoming in 2009. Stories for another day I know, but the short version is that many of our expenses, fixed and variable, remained the same and our housing allowance decreased significantly.
In 2007, I had some lofty wedding reception ambitions. While we never ended up having our wedding reception the reality is I spent a significant amount of time planning for a costly one-day event. On the skinny spending side, I think we were looking at $8,000 to $10,000 for the venue, a photographer, hotel rooms, travel, food, etc. The dream was dropped before anything was booked but not until after I purchased my wedding gown (we got married through the Justice of the Peace in 2006) and picked up some small wedding related items.
My desire to control my personal finances did not truly begin until we moved to Wyoming. Our crash course in the broke life lead us to Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. Being introduced to Dave Ramsey’s program through friends and their church, we made headway towards undoing the financial damage. It’s not fun, but without the substantial housing allowance we received in California, we had to take a serious look at our finances. Throughout the years, we’ve still struggled to stay on the Dave Ramsey path so I still refer back to the books and resources. My in-laws also added more Dave Ramsey resources to our collection. Additionally, I kept my Financial Planning notebook from my undergraduate studies because I want to ensure I update our financial goals (i.e. retirement planning, life insurance planning, etc.) as our family needs change over time.
With my husband still in school, 2017 does not wear the carefree face our lives did in 2007. We just don’t have that same amount of money to play with on a daily basis. Thankfully, he has one semester of Post-9/11 GI Bill® benefits to help cover expenses this semester but law school is one of those endeavors where we are bringing student loan debt into our lives. This decision obviously strays from Dave Ramsey’s teachings. We take steps towards self-improvement and I would prefer to not be shamed for student loan debt; I do not make enough money to fully fund law school. We considered ASU’s Employee Reduced Tuition but the reality is 100% of that tuition reduction is taxed for graduate programs and I am already working on a tight single income, the last thing I need is more money taken out of my paycheck at this time. Now that we have a more transparent conversation (thanks for not judging me or keeping your opinion to yourself) I would like to share personal goals for the year.
My goals are broadly categorized under personal achievements, family activities, and home improvement. Financial planning is important to each one of these endeavors. I am in a place to either spend money for the results or I am saving money to complete the goal. Although I am not outlining these as SMART (specific, measurable, action-oriented, realistic, and time-based) for your respective purposes as the reader, these qualities are important whenever you desire to see a goal through completion and I’m keeping these factors in mind for each goal.
In lieu of resolutions, here are my planning goals for 2017:
Finish Pauline Nordine’s Butt Bible Challenge to restore fitness discipline into my life (Challenge runs January to March).
Attend an adoption education event, free other than cost to get there.
Add $1,000 to my daughter’s savings before the close of 2017.
Pay for a one recipient’s scholarship for the Rising Stars, Desert Nights Writing Conference.
Close a credit card account.
Finish painting my master’s bathroom (February).
Complete a family vacation (no visiting extending family).
Attend a family member’s wedding.
Add additional money to our emergency fund (i.e. amount will vary depending on overtime worked and additional income received this year).
Finish first draft of memoir by October.
Set up college fund accounts for nieces and my nephew to be born this year in lieu of gifts and clothes for Christmas.
Visit family who have not seen my daughter since 2011.
Set aside money for an adoption home study (approximately $1,200 to $1,800) before the end of the year. (Goal is to adopt in 2019)
Replace our large bookcase with wall shelves (May/June).
Purchase (1) PAX wardrobe for master bedroom (September/October).
Put in Astroturf and extend patio slab (March/April).
Three days into my four-day weekend for Christmas and here I am writing. I love writing. I appreciate writing for the time capsules we are left with, our personal investment or someone else’s. I received Lauren Graham’s Talking As Fast As I Can and Anna Kendrick’s Scrappy Little Nobody to keep me company on my break but writing makes my soul happy, too. All too often I know I take for granted my ability to read and write (and certainly, comprehend). 2016 is coming to a close and rather than berate myself again for giving you too small a glimpse into 2006 for comparative purposes, I will just share with you today some moments from back then in just a bit.
Holidays are holidays regardless of where you find yourself in the world. Sometimes, they are enjoyed to the fullest extent (such as a friend’s recent engagement yesterday) while others are spent worrying about finding space out of the cold and a warm meal (as is the case with many homeless persons around the globe). My Christmas this year was one of the best I’ve had of all remembered Christmas celebrations. It was not dramatic or filled with expense gifts. My husband, daughter, and I spent nearly eight hours at a friend’s house for Christmas Eve and the company of her family reminded me fondly of my own who I haven’t spent Christmas with since 2005, due to financial reasons and work-related availability. Christmas yesterday was spent with my in-laws. Our meal did not have all the traditional trimmings my family likes to make but consisted of various new things I’ve never experienced for Christmas dinner: pork roast, corn pudding, croissants (not like I EVER turn those down!), cauliflower casserole, and Cheesecake Factory’s White Chocolate Peppermint cheesecake. It is in simple life moments, like having a full plate at Christmas dinner, that I know I am privileged.
I am more aware of my opportunities and ability to dissect the world I live in, the paths I’ve taken to get here, and to reflect on how I’ve grown as a person. I know I should not be embarrassed to share some rantings from 2006 but they are a bit awful. I really hit a wall with where I was with the Marine Corps, feeling like it was a complete waste of time, struggling with a second tour in Iraq that felt inadequate. Additionally, it didn’t help that I was spending the holidays with a group of people mostly whom I felt no connection to and that’s not a healthy way to bid one’s time.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Merry Christmas (Yeah I know I’m early)
Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you are all having a wonderful time back home (on in Iraq-don’t worry Matt, I didn’t forget you) or in Angola (Cody, I didn’t forget you either). I know the holidays are very different for everyone this year so I am hoping you all have the best holidays that you can. As for myself, my Marines and I are exchanging our secret santa presents tomorrow morning at 0630 and then I get to go to a wonderful event at 0800 in our base theater. I can talk to you all more about it after I go. Other than that, I do not have to work on Christmas (this is such a blessing, since I feared our boss would make us). For my secret santa, I bought National Lampoon Christmas Vacations 1 and 2, a Mad Libs: Who Moved My Cubicle, pistachios, and Hot and Spicy and Barbecue Vienna sausages. I also got him this David’s Sunflower seeds spitter cup, but that I found, so it was free. 🙂 It’s not used…don’t think that’s what I meant when I said I “found” it.
I have nothing else going on other that on Christmas. I finished the novel I bought the other day. It was called The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards and I liked it a lot.
I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I know I probably won’t get the chance to leave notes on everyone’s pages so I hope this suffices for everyone. Enjoy the ham, turkey, roast beef, prime rib, vegan (if that’s what you are eating), enjoy the cookies, cakes, and pastries. Enjoy the mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, rice. Whatever you enjoy, have a wonderful holiday. Enjoy the time with your family and friends and please email me photos if you take any. 🙂 I love and miss you all.
Love,
Cheryl
I have some great opportunities coming ahead in 2017 but I do appreciate the opportunity to share these brief moments in the present and past with you all. 2006 and 2016 were very unique years in my life and as you can tell, my writing style changed greatly. You provide me the space to speak of ‘normal things’ with such rawness and we live in a time where divulging the ‘normal’ stuff rather instantaneously (it is not with irony that I shared the following Instagram photo below) gives us the means to understand so much more about societies, family life, and personal experiences. I know I don’t give you a door into everything into my past nor will I grant you access to everything in my future but I hope you often find the conversation I’ve given you is enough.
I know it’s not normal for you to get an updated post from me this time of time but I am at home with my sick daughter and now that I’ve sent her off for an afternoon nap, it’s time for me to enjoy some “me time” which translates to writing. It may not be what I do best [yet in my life] but it’s one of the best things I enjoy.
When I started this blog back in 2014, I mentioned something that probably did not come off as an intimate detail in my life. I mentioned how, back in 2004, one of the Corporals at my unit told me not to write a book about Iraq. Now, as a thirty-two year old, I cringe more when I think of that asinine statement. There is not a single soul in this world that deserves to tell me what to do with my life.
I think war narratives are important, even if I haven’t liked all the ones I’ve read. The point is not to get rich. The point is not to be famous. The point is to convey a slice of history that can be lost otherwise. The point is to capture sights, sounds, people, and places that are changed in the moment and hopefully influence people to take a more nuanced approach to understanding war.
As impossible as it is to whittle down what I learned in graduate school, one of the best lessons I came away with is uncovering the extent of how society ignores, belittles, and underreports the achievements and lived experiences of women. We are not shadows of living beings; we are living, too. I say society in this reference in speaking specifically to American society however there are many teachings that shows us women compared to men are often given less notice.
I write to you all today to tell you I will write my book. I will write it regardless of whether it gets published. I will write it because there will never be another moment in time that mirrors this experience. I will write it because there are numerous others who could gain something from this type of storytelling. I will write because a song I heard recently made me think of this experience and the amount of emotional connection I have to that point in my life.
I will not forgo a personal achievement because another human being has such set opinions against writing war memoirs.
If you’re wondering about that song, below are the lyrics:
“Every Little Thing” (Sung by Carly Pearce)
The scent that you left on my pillow
The sound of your heart beating with mine
The look in your eyes like a window
The taste of your kiss soaked in wine
Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing
Guess you forgot what you told me
Because you left my heart on the floor
Baby, your ghost still haunts me
But I don’t want to sleep with him no more
Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing
They say time is the only healer
God, I hope that isn’t right
Cause right now I’d die to not remember
Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Every little thing
I remember every little thing
I’m haunted by the memories of
Every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Every little thing
Today marks a day when many of us gather to enjoy good food, the company of friends (Friendsgiving) and/or family (by choice or by a sense of obligation), and we may share sentiments and/or imagery from our gatherings on social media to show what we are grateful for this year.
2016 has been an exceptionally challenging and at times rewarding year for me. As such, sometimes I have a lot to say and other times different areas of my life overwhelm me and the last thing I feel I need is a spotlight on personal struggles and/or the additional stress of yet another obligation in my life. It may seem odd that writing, which fuels my soul, can also take a great toll on me. I am the kind of person who greatly requires sleep and on some of my busiest days I am not inclined to lose out on sleep to write, despite how much writing enriches my life.
This month provided an interesting opportunity for learning in the form of ASU’s Tunnel of Awareness. My original interest in attending was to check out the display for the Women Veterans Club but was rather drawn in by the Transgender Day of Remembrance display. Although I don’t know anyone directly during my military service who felt their gender at birth did not fit their identity, I noticed a number of individuals photographed from the Veteran Vision Project whose images reveal two distinct gender identities. While I cannot say I know how difficult it must be to feel one’s whole body doesn’t fit, I can relate to how it feels that one’s service (and self) feels invisible in a society that only tends see certain bodies and abilities as having value.
Just this past weekend, I was a bit surprised to read a CNN article by Emanuella Grinberg about a transgender Marine, Lance Corporal Aaron Wixson, and his experience with his respective unit. To better understand why I was surprised, please keep in mind when I was serving gay and lesbian service members could not openly serve. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was not repealed until 2011. In the midst of my completing my degree, I know I didn’t stay as up-to-date on DoD policy changes but I am embarrassed to say such a large policy change occurred and I missed the opportunity to speak about the matter earlier.
I know such a drastic policy change may still be hard for many to handle who have grown up in the “old ways” of military service or whose religious or cultural beliefs set more strict gendered roles and identity at the center of their ideologies. For those people I implore you to open your heart and imagine if you had a family member who struggled with their sense of self. You do not need to share the same values as other people to respect their place in this world. We just need to remember each person has a soul; he or she has dreams for the future; and each person has talents which can enrich our communities in numerous ways if we do not allow something like our perceptionsof who that person is cloud our ability to see the real person.
One of the photographs that served as an original inspiration for my tattoo
The day has come…I am very proud to reveal to you all my tattoo. This personal journey was worth the wait and more importantly, the money. Tattooing is not a cheap gift to one’s self. I am very thankful Justin Nordine from The Raw Canvas in Grand Junction, Colorado is only a short flight away because I absolutely love his style and know already that I will be commissioning another piece with him down the road.
When I initially provided a deposit, I had in mind a negative space tattoo which in some way incorporated ‘freedom’ written in Arabic. I knew with my year timeframe to fruition I could hone the desired result and certainly events over the past year changed my opinion about how I saw this piece and how I saw my body. There’s a lot to say about my experiences during OIF 2-2 and because I am no longer in the Marine Corps, I am not limited to placement or size of a tattoo to stay within regulations. I did not know when this journey started what the finished product would look like although I did know I was finally ready to commemorate my military service.
The images I provided Justin as we got closer to my appointment included:
A photograph of the Euphrates River (to emphasis an important blue to include in the color work);
A photograph of the 1st Marine Division logo (again to emphasis an important blue);
A door located on Camp Blue Diamond (for the scrollwork);
A photograph of Peruvian lilies (the meaning of these flowers are friendship and devotion); and
I discussed the dual names attributed to the second assault into Fallujah (in lieu of an additional photograph).
I didn’t realize how much I was asking of Justin when I provided these images but during our phone consultation we touched base on making a new memory. He reminded me I am commissioning a piece of art. I had been putting so much pressure on finding the right way to speak to the complicated nature of the deployment and he reminded me quite gently that I knew what the tattoo meant and if a concrete representation was important that he might not be the artist for me. I think his willingness to have this conversation so I was happy with the final product is very important and because his talent truly speaks for itself I made the decision the tattoo did not need to convey all these things. This opportunity was the first time I allowed someone so much control over something I would carry with me for the rest of my life and I am happy with this adventure.
After providing additional images to Justin for review, I waited until our meeting to see his creation. Originally, we discussed doing an upper arm piece and he crafted a sprig of black sketched lilies capped by a geometric pointillism design which pays tribute to my appreciation for Islamic architecture. Behind the flowers, a beautiful wash of colors included green, blue, rose pink, and orange. The orange, by far, is the color that fascinated me the most. It was so unexpected. Since he had layered images of the sketched flowers and the pointillism separately I was able to see how the design could be easily altered to fit my forearm which didn’t need a cap like the shoulder.
I do have a tendency to carry extra weight in my upper arms (which I never noticed until I was pregnant with my daughter!) and was a bit worried if I don’t always maintain my upper body physical fitness consistently, my tattoo might not look the way I want it to look over time. However, my forearms always look pretty nice even if I don’t hit up the gym regularly and I was very happy to see how the flowers complimented my body structure. He was right that by having the piece of my upper arm I could control who saw it but by having it on my forearm it is available for public display; this decision is not a light one to make depending on who you are and the industry you work in or may choose to consider for professional opportunities. For me, I am past that stage in my life. I wanted my tattoo to be a highly visible work of art I see and share daily with others.
My journey is unique and I am grateful for Justin’s ability to give me a beautiful way to honor that experience.
Last year, I reached out to you all about September being Suicide Prevention Month and I did so from a still fairly safe distance. I knew of others who committed suicide and shared my perception as an outsider. As I write to you all today, I share my sentiments knowing more fully how devastating it is to lose a friend to suicide.
When he committed suicide last November, I was in the raw stages of grief. Shortly after his loss, I was undone in my research on the local veterans’ court when news came that another veteran attempted suicide. I lost it and bawled in a room of strangers. For the past month I’ve pondered about the many other things I could write to you all about but this month always comes done to what’s important. Suicide Prevention is a conversation we must allow ourselves to have and to keep it moving forward.
On Friday, September 23rd, I read about medically retired Marine veteran Kirstie Ennis losing her friend and fellow wounded veteran, Izzy, to suicide. My heart breaks for her, Izzy’s family, and Izzy’s other friends and colleagues. I know there are–unfortunately–so many of us who are the survivors left behind who feel that we failed our loved ones and friends. We could see the obstacles our loved ones have overcome but we haven’t seen the daily struggles that tear them up inside. For this reason, I write to you all today to discuss how emotionally difficult this year has been coming to term with losing Kiernan.
My work with student veterans on many occasions is an extension of the camaraderie I had with a number of Marines in my former units. To those people who know me best, my face lights up when I find a meaningful friendship in particular with my Operation Iraqi Freedom veterans. Kiernan was one of those veterans and I did feel like I failed him when I learned he committed suicide. For almost two years, we shared a professional connection and I personally admired his ambition. He was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met and when I doubted my abilities, he was one of those people who offered small doses of encouragement for both my academic and personal fitness goals.
After he died, I felt basically like I was going to his grave on a near daily basis. The campus–despite how it is a constant energetic flow of people–became a solemn place that haunted me with his memory. I would remember where we crossed path on my way to class after work. I would try to recall the last conversation we had when he came into my office and I would blame myself for not even recalling specifically the last day we saw each other. I remembered, with pride, how he beamed in his graduation regalia. To this day, there is still one place on campus I do not go and that’s to the gym. For me, that location is where I got to see the person he loved to be and unlike others who use the gym as a socialization tool he took his athletic pursuits quite seriously. We would only converse briefly and then he’d go back to his routine but I would always remember when we saw each other he made the effort to say hi quickly and catch up. Some day I might be ready to go back there but for now, I am comfortable enough with the rest of the campus and that’s a substantial victory from where I started after he died.
He, like so many others who commit suicide, will not know how much he was loved by his friends and family. However, I am not angry with him and as we extend the conversation about suicide prevention I think we must be overt our battle is to help others see the value of their lives and to keep living in the face of daily (or constant) struggles. I do not think we can effectively encourage individuals to see their self worth if they feel we will be angry with them for their self-doubt and any current or past actions of self-harm.
My emotional struggles are a bit easier now because I opened up to medical professionals about losing a friend to suicide. I know it was a lot to juggle the fear and anxiety I’d lose another companion or student to suicide. No one handles grief quite the same way and for me as awkward as it was to trust the medical community after some crummy experiences in the Marine Corps, it was necessary. I didn’t like how his loss consumed me like the many service members who died on my deployment. I knew that I had to be on campus every work day and if I continued to feel like I was going to a grave every day I would be constantly miserable. I am not perfect in any way because grief is not perfect. There are times where a song still bothers me or I get more upset driving home because I see the beautiful things he will never experience again, but I recognized I needed self-care after losing him.
I want to thank you all for reading this blog post today. I was very nervous to discuss how emotionally taxing this year has been but with our veteran community losing another peer to suicide so recently, I know we must keep fighting.
She Wears Dogtags 