Becoming a Marine is one matter, but it is equally as important to discuss our individual roles in the Marine Corps. All jobs are important regardless of organization, but when the average person thinks of the Marine Corps an Infantry Marine is who they usually think of. I cannot blame them for their viewpoints because representation plays a significant role in our knowledge of the world and the people within it.

When I made the choice to step in the recruiter’s office, I wanted a new path in life. I wanted to serve in my late friend’s place after his murder. I felt I could volunteer and become a Marine, finishing an enlistment (or longer) in this role. While he chose explosive ordnance disposal as his military occupational specialty (MOS), I opted for Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Defense. I was adamant I did not want admin or supply because–although I knew next to nothing of the Marine Corps–I felt these would be roles women were naturally pushed towards. I liked the idea of Combat Camera but I was not confident I was as proficient as I needed to be to serve in this capacity.

When I reviewed the job description for Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Defense, which transitioned to Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear Defense, it intrigued me. I shouldn’t be so surprised because this was after 9/11. I saw an immediate need, other people I knew supported the idea, and I met the ASVAB score for this particular responsibility.

MOS school was more of a challenge than I expected.  My typical academic study habits and strengths did not serve me well. I left high school with a 3.75 GPA but having the cadre criticize us when we chose not to study and micromanage other aspects of our training left me feeling drained. The 24/7 mentality of being a Marine from boot camp, MCT, and MOS school (later followed in different ways in the fleet) was a real struggle for me. I like having a separation of my work/academic life from my personal life and it was nearly impossible to find during training.

I felt out-of-place especially with our female instructor who was highly critical of the fact I was dating a Marine outside our schoolhouse. MOS school was more an exercise in misery than an opportunity for me to become more embedded in the Marine Corps.

This is a hard reality to reflect back on, particularly because I wanted to serve to honor my friend.  Unfortunately, I learned early on that my maturity would not translate to being treated as an equal and my desire to “walk away” and feel at home at the end of the day wasn’t going to happen.

I learned to adopt a “learn it,” “regurgitate it,” and “brain dump it” way of behaving to get through schoolhouse life. This attitude is not conducive to longtime learning, but I hit the markers I needed to in order to graduate. To this day, I will tell you, I always wished I learned my MOS better. The knowledge was not an easy thing for me to learn, and years later, I cannot recall the basics. Practical application exercises were just as difficult as understanding the knowledge areas. Aside from not being a natural fit for my job, I was starting to feel like I would never fit in as a Marine.

As difficult as it was to integrate into the schoolhouse, it was an interesting time period in my life. I saw historical events through a different lenses, seeing the darker side of science and technology not truly discussed in lower level academic classrooms. We got a grittier version of historical events, learning more about how humankind created destructive products and gear to combat such threats.

If I can leave you with one good recommendation on this topic, it is to read The Biology of Doom: The History of America’s Secret Germ Warfare Project.  As well, I would also like to encourage each of you to stay open-minded in your learning process. It is not conductive to only learn things that show a positive representation of your country and culture.

I do not have photos from our most important training endeavor when we walked through the Chemical Defense Training Facility. Prior to walking through the building we ran a practice walk-through outside so we understood how to safely walk through the building. We also tested our masks to ensure everyone had a functioning product prior to commencing our training exercise. The live nerve agent training was an event that felt quite surreal; it was hard to believe as we stood around and watched our instructors bring out containers with the agents those weren’t simulated products. Thankfully, nothing went awry and we performed the necessary tasks asked of us. The experience certainly taught me to trust my equipment, but I have not always found it easy to instill that trust in others.

One of the most difficult things is encountering Marines resistant to annual training. I am not a confident public speaker anyways so teaching classes always made me feel uncomfortable (and still does). I like work behind the scenes and I had inadvertently chosen something that would put me in a public element on a number of occasions in my short career. I felt my confidence was harder to build when senior Marines, for whatever their reasons, would be rude and disruptive to our work. I had one Marine in particular that made some commentary about a different style mask when I worked with 3rd MAW. I felt he made the remark to make me look incompetent and thankfully, I had a senior Marine on my side who shut him down and publicly indicated that mask was no longer in use.

As I continue to share my experiences please remember I am an imperfect person who served in the Marine Corps. I was not particularly skilled in many areas like my peers. I lacked military bearing (and still lack it). My judgment bit me a couple of times, in quite big ways. I marched terribly (whether I was leading or following). This place is an intimate look at the Marine Corps, through my eyes. I have been just as difficult at times with other Marines as others have been to me, and I acknowledge my failures as a leader. I try not to make those choices again.

As I bring this entry to a close, I am fortunate with my educational background I met the criteria to serve as a CBRN Defense Specialist. It allowed me the opportunity to serve a different role in Iraq. There is a tenacity I brought to my work in the Command Operations Center I don’t feel everyone can do. It is emotionally taxing work, and it is not visible the way infantry work is seen by our culture. The jobs are connected and it is not a matter of pride that guided my work but a dedication to my fellow Marines. In the years that have passed, I’ve only met a small handful of Marines who served in Iraq the same time I did. It is an honor we contributed in different ways to keep our Marines safe and I am happy I found a purpose in my Iraq role I never felt in my stateside duties.

It is always possible I would have served in Iraq if I had chosen a different MOS in the Marine Corps, but it’s not something I could say definitively. Each choice we make opens a door to certain possibilities and closes doors to others. The path I chose brought a number of Marines into my life who are still here by my side years later but most of the people I met in the schoolhouse are names but nothing else to me now. The few who I remain in contact with are excellent people and it is a joy to know life is treating them and their families well.

I am also happy I walked away from this job in the Marine Corps. It wasn’t something I did particularly well, and as one of my current classes is discussing in our assigned materials, sometimes we must leave certain jobs to others so we can serve in more appropriate roles for our strengths.