Today marks a day when many of us gather to enjoy good food, the company of friends (Friendsgiving) and/or family (by choice or by a sense of obligation), and we may share sentiments and/or imagery from our gatherings on social media to show what we are grateful for this year.
2016 has been an exceptionally challenging and at times rewarding year for me. As such, sometimes I have a lot to say and other times different areas of my life overwhelm me and the last thing I feel I need is a spotlight on personal struggles and/or the additional stress of yet another obligation in my life. It may seem odd that writing, which fuels my soul, can also take a great toll on me. I am the kind of person who greatly requires sleep and on some of my busiest days I am not inclined to lose out on sleep to write, despite how much writing enriches my life.
This month provided an interesting opportunity for learning in the form of ASU’s Tunnel of Awareness. My original interest in attending was to check out the display for the Women Veterans Club but was rather drawn in by the Transgender Day of Remembrance display. Although I don’t know anyone directly during my military service who felt their gender at birth did not fit their identity, I noticed a number of individuals photographed from the Veteran Vision Project whose images reveal two distinct gender identities. While I cannot say I know how difficult it must be to feel one’s whole body doesn’t fit, I can relate to how it feels that one’s service (and self) feels invisible in a society that only tends see certain bodies and abilities as having value.
Just this past weekend, I was a bit surprised to read a CNN article by Emanuella Grinberg about a transgender Marine, Lance Corporal Aaron Wixson, and his experience with his respective unit. To better understand why I was surprised, please keep in mind when I was serving gay and lesbian service members could not openly serve. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was not repealed until 2011. In the midst of my completing my degree, I know I didn’t stay as up-to-date on DoD policy changes but I am embarrassed to say such a large policy change occurred and I missed the opportunity to speak about the matter earlier.
I know such a drastic policy change may still be hard for many to handle who have grown up in the “old ways” of military service or whose religious or cultural beliefs set more strict gendered roles and identity at the center of their ideologies. For those people I implore you to open your heart and imagine if you had a family member who struggled with their sense of self. You do not need to share the same values as other people to respect their place in this world. We just need to remember each person has a soul; he or she has dreams for the future; and each person has talents which can enrich our communities in numerous ways if we do not allow something like our perceptionsof who that person is cloud our ability to see the real person.
One of the photographs that served as an original inspiration for my tattoo
The day has come…I am very proud to reveal to you all my tattoo. This personal journey was worth the wait and more importantly, the money. Tattooing is not a cheap gift to one’s self. I am very thankful Justin Nordine from The Raw Canvas in Grand Junction, Colorado is only a short flight away because I absolutely love his style and know already that I will be commissioning another piece with him down the road.
When I initially provided a deposit, I had in mind a negative space tattoo which in some way incorporated ‘freedom’ written in Arabic. I knew with my year timeframe to fruition I could hone the desired result and certainly events over the past year changed my opinion about how I saw this piece and how I saw my body. There’s a lot to say about my experiences during OIF 2-2 and because I am no longer in the Marine Corps, I am not limited to placement or size of a tattoo to stay within regulations. I did not know when this journey started what the finished product would look like although I did know I was finally ready to commemorate my military service.
The images I provided Justin as we got closer to my appointment included:
A photograph of the Euphrates River (to emphasis an important blue to include in the color work);
A photograph of the 1st Marine Division logo (again to emphasis an important blue);
A door located on Camp Blue Diamond (for the scrollwork);
A photograph of Peruvian lilies (the meaning of these flowers are friendship and devotion); and
I discussed the dual names attributed to the second assault into Fallujah (in lieu of an additional photograph).
I didn’t realize how much I was asking of Justin when I provided these images but during our phone consultation we touched base on making a new memory. He reminded me I am commissioning a piece of art. I had been putting so much pressure on finding the right way to speak to the complicated nature of the deployment and he reminded me quite gently that I knew what the tattoo meant and if a concrete representation was important that he might not be the artist for me. I think his willingness to have this conversation so I was happy with the final product is very important and because his talent truly speaks for itself I made the decision the tattoo did not need to convey all these things. This opportunity was the first time I allowed someone so much control over something I would carry with me for the rest of my life and I am happy with this adventure.
After providing additional images to Justin for review, I waited until our meeting to see his creation. Originally, we discussed doing an upper arm piece and he crafted a sprig of black sketched lilies capped by a geometric pointillism design which pays tribute to my appreciation for Islamic architecture. Behind the flowers, a beautiful wash of colors included green, blue, rose pink, and orange. The orange, by far, is the color that fascinated me the most. It was so unexpected. Since he had layered images of the sketched flowers and the pointillism separately I was able to see how the design could be easily altered to fit my forearm which didn’t need a cap like the shoulder.
I do have a tendency to carry extra weight in my upper arms (which I never noticed until I was pregnant with my daughter!) and was a bit worried if I don’t always maintain my upper body physical fitness consistently, my tattoo might not look the way I want it to look over time. However, my forearms always look pretty nice even if I don’t hit up the gym regularly and I was very happy to see how the flowers complimented my body structure. He was right that by having the piece of my upper arm I could control who saw it but by having it on my forearm it is available for public display; this decision is not a light one to make depending on who you are and the industry you work in or may choose to consider for professional opportunities. For me, I am past that stage in my life. I wanted my tattoo to be a highly visible work of art I see and share daily with others.
My journey is unique and I am grateful for Justin’s ability to give me a beautiful way to honor that experience.
Last year, I reached out to you all about September being Suicide Prevention Month and I did so from a still fairly safe distance. I knew of others who committed suicide and shared my perception as an outsider. As I write to you all today, I share my sentiments knowing more fully how devastating it is to lose a friend to suicide.
When he committed suicide last November, I was in the raw stages of grief. Shortly after his loss, I was undone in my research on the local veterans’ court when news came that another veteran attempted suicide. I lost it and bawled in a room of strangers. For the past month I’ve pondered about the many other things I could write to you all about but this month always comes done to what’s important. Suicide Prevention is a conversation we must allow ourselves to have and to keep it moving forward.
On Friday, September 23rd, I read about medically retired Marine veteran Kirstie Ennis losing her friend and fellow wounded veteran, Izzy, to suicide. My heart breaks for her, Izzy’s family, and Izzy’s other friends and colleagues. I know there are–unfortunately–so many of us who are the survivors left behind who feel that we failed our loved ones and friends. We could see the obstacles our loved ones have overcome but we haven’t seen the daily struggles that tear them up inside. For this reason, I write to you all today to discuss how emotionally difficult this year has been coming to term with losing Kiernan.
My work with student veterans on many occasions is an extension of the camaraderie I had with a number of Marines in my former units. To those people who know me best, my face lights up when I find a meaningful friendship in particular with my Operation Iraqi Freedom veterans. Kiernan was one of those veterans and I did feel like I failed him when I learned he committed suicide. For almost two years, we shared a professional connection and I personally admired his ambition. He was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met and when I doubted my abilities, he was one of those people who offered small doses of encouragement for both my academic and personal fitness goals.
After he died, I felt basically like I was going to his grave on a near daily basis. The campus–despite how it is a constant energetic flow of people–became a solemn place that haunted me with his memory. I would remember where we crossed path on my way to class after work. I would try to recall the last conversation we had when he came into my office and I would blame myself for not even recalling specifically the last day we saw each other. I remembered, with pride, how he beamed in his graduation regalia. To this day, there is still one place on campus I do not go and that’s to the gym. For me, that location is where I got to see the person he loved to be and unlike others who use the gym as a socialization tool he took his athletic pursuits quite seriously. We would only converse briefly and then he’d go back to his routine but I would always remember when we saw each other he made the effort to say hi quickly and catch up. Some day I might be ready to go back there but for now, I am comfortable enough with the rest of the campus and that’s a substantial victory from where I started after he died.
He, like so many others who commit suicide, will not know how much he was loved by his friends and family. However, I am not angry with him and as we extend the conversation about suicide prevention I think we must be overt our battle is to help others see the value of their lives and to keep living in the face of daily (or constant) struggles. I do not think we can effectively encourage individuals to see their self worth if they feel we will be angry with them for their self-doubt and any current or past actions of self-harm.
My emotional struggles are a bit easier now because I opened up to medical professionals about losing a friend to suicide. I know it was a lot to juggle the fear and anxiety I’d lose another companion or student to suicide. No one handles grief quite the same way and for me as awkward as it was to trust the medical community after some crummy experiences in the Marine Corps, it was necessary. I didn’t like how his loss consumed me like the many service members who died on my deployment. I knew that I had to be on campus every work day and if I continued to feel like I was going to a grave every day I would be constantly miserable. I am not perfect in any way because grief is not perfect. There are times where a song still bothers me or I get more upset driving home because I see the beautiful things he will never experience again, but I recognized I needed self-care after losing him.
I want to thank you all for reading this blog post today. I was very nervous to discuss how emotionally taxing this year has been but with our veteran community losing another peer to suicide so recently, I know we must keep fighting.
Good morning! While I normally would already be at work I have a follow up today related to my years’ long struggle with chest pains so rather than waste this time I thought I would write. In the past, my journal entries might have touched on this health issue once or twice but in the past two month the increased frequency of these pains has meant breaking down and seeking medical advice and attention. Something veterans, like me, do not always do well. I have had the biggest chip on my shoulder about again bringing this issue up to the Department of Veterans Affairs for consideration that they are–in fact–service connected. I do not enjoy being “under the microscope” so to speak and I can tell you people do look at me funny when I mention I’ve dealt with this on and off again issue for eleven years now. Currently, I am working with civilian doctors on my case and have thus far done an EKG and a stress echo….there are times I am REALLY grateful I have female providers because these tests are very personal. When I went to complete the stress echo I was quite mortified to see I had a male technician but after speaking with him about my comfort level I had two female staff members replace him: one placed (and removed afterwards) the sensors and the other read the ultrasounds before and after the treadmill test. My follow up with the cardiologist will be in September so I don’t have too much longer to wait for those results.
I do realize I have yet to provide a 2006 to 2016 comparison so while I am a day off, please have some patience with me. I am also still unpacking a house of stuff to make it a home. I am very grateful for my living arrangements but with coming home at six pm (and an ideal bedtime of nine pm) I don’t have copious hours of time during the week to accomplish all I wish to do.
Thanks again as always for your patience as I unpack my experiences (and my house!) and shed light on thoughts of other things (as they occur) going on related to our military and veteran community.
Good morning, everyone! It is just after six a.m. here but it is fairly normal for my family and I to be up before 7 a.m. on the weekend. During the week I wake up for work at 5:30 a.m. and today was just the same, without the alarm clock. Since I’m up and motivated I thought I would share with you an inspirational story one of my coworkers recently shared via Facebook. The story of Sergeant Elizabeth Marks is one that I did not know before and like retired Marine Sergeant Kirstie Ennis, Sergeant Marks also continues a physical fitness intensive regime in spite of her injuries. I am impressed and motivated by the determination of both these women in the face of such great odds and in the past few weeks have worked on incorporating fitness back in my life. I let that aspect of my wellbeing suffer greatly while I was working full-time and also working on my graduate degree.
I think one of the most powerful messages shared was her choice to wear the 22Kill ring in honor of her friend who committed suicide. While suicide victims are not just limited to individuals who serve (or served in the military) this profession, like other high stress employment fields, has a higher percentage of suicides compared to the civilian population and this percentage is higher for both men and women who serve(d). Even Marks’ physically small but powerful gesture represents a continuing effort to bring awareness to suicide prevention. Other organizations such as the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention are also ensuring work continues to help save lives.
Another message I wanted to share with you today was about the careful construction of Sergeant Marks’ leg tattoo. I thought it was beautiful the ESPN article discussed at length her choices for the design and the meaning behind those symbols. I have many peers who have service-related tattoos and the ones that commemorate fallen peers and pride of service are among the ones that catch my eye the most. Finding the right tattoo artist to craft those messages is something that I think many veterans can relate to and is worth the effort (and money).
I don’t believe I’ve spoken before about the tattoo piece I will have done later this year that commemorates my time at Camp Blue Diamond. I made the appointment for this tattoo about a year ago. Justin Nordine, who owns The Raw Canvas in Grand Junction, Colorado, is who I chose based on his watercolor work. The more I thought about his style the more I realized there wasn’t another single American tattoo artist whose work I came across that made me feel he or she was capable enough of conveying the complex emotions associated with my deployment. When I was explaining to one of our work studies how I am trying to find a balance between not only light and dark, but also feminine and masculine perception I thought more about the challenge this desire creates for the tattoo artist. I think the only thing I am hesitant to include is the color red because red is powerful in many ways that other colors are not especially for its representation of blood. The photographs below (copied from his website) are a small representation of his amazing skill set however I highly encourage you all to check out his Instagram page if you are on Instagram.
What a month! It’s not over yet but it has been busier and more stressful, complete with more opportunities and challenges. My nervousness over how fireworks would make me feel morphed into a bigger stress response than I imagined. As a result, I have logged my chest pains to keep track of them for an upcoming appointment with a cardiologist. Looking back, the 14 days of chest pains just gets exhausting. Thankfully, they are not all day long but once I do have an episode I do worry if I’ll have another attack during that day. While I have been extremely reluctant to seek medical assistance/further diagnosis about my chest pains the reality is after eleven years of suffering through them, sometimes I cannot manage them effectively on my own. I do find it difficult to carve out sufficient exercise time which keeps them in check. Separately, the sensation of these pains has changed over the years and I know that issue alone is pretty significant to go back to seek medical advice and assistance.
During the Fourth of July, I found it possible to avoid most of the fireworks. My husband and I went to the Keg for a late dinner and walked over to the movie theater in the San Tan mall. Unfortunately, some very overzealous individuals started shooting off fireworks before it was even 9 o’clock. I had some high hopes we could miss the fireworks that night in its entirety but not so much. Although I will be flattening the conversation significantly, being around fireworks does not upset me so much because it reminds me of the constant danger I was in while serving in Iraq. That sucks but it wasn’t the worst thing. It is a struggle because it is a reminder of the worst mortar attack we had which killed my officer. The sound of that attack is something that is seared in my memory more than any other one event. It is a struggle because I know I survived that attack and while so many of us knew Captain Brock we couldn’t save him. The Quick Response Force couldn’t save him. The Medevac crew couldn’t save him. We all–his Marine family–were powerless against an indirect weapon and the rest of us came home.
My daughter asked me recently why I didn’t die in Iraq. She asked this question of me after seeing the Eyes of Freedom memorial while I attended the WAVES conference (Western Association of Veterans Education Specialists) in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I had no answer for her other than that I was fortunate. Even then, it’s not a full answer. I was moved to the night shift in December of 2004. As such, I was at my barracks the day Captain Brock was hit outside our work. That day, it could have been almost anyone who worked in that building or it could have been no one. I was at my home talking to my grandmother on the phone and the blast was something that was easily felt from my location. It made the most terrifying sound of all the mortar impacts we took.
I know other war veterans understand why carrying survivors’ guilt is hard. We have the rest of our lives to carry the burden of those who didn’t make it home. Our existence, our homecoming, is tinged with the reminder we were granted years deprived of our peers. We will think of the accomplishments they didn’t get to enjoy; we will think of the children they didn’t have; and we will think of the fact their families will never be the same.
Please don’t take my extended absence from writing as a sign that I am not interested in continuing my veteran (and more specifically, female veteran) awareness efforts. During my recent absence I have attended to moving into my recently purchased home. You can read about that journey–should you be interested–at my other blog, Builder Grade and Reclaimed. The other large factor contributing to my absence has been my concern over the increasing violence in Fallujah and knowing that while I served in Iraq and Fallujah was in our area of operations there is nothing I can truly say as an American that speaks fully to the horror Iraqi citizens currently face on a daily basis. It is also hard not to feel a bit ashamed that I am quite privileged–enjoying the fruits and discussing the frustrations of homeownership for the first time–in the midst of such chaos, particularly when I see the large number of affected children.
In doing what I can given my current status as an amateur writer I wish to speak to you all about the fact June is PTSD Awareness Month. In the most recent couple of months I’ve begun to notice more articles that discuss the mental toll war takes on refugees and their disjointed access to support services. As a veteran, I cannot help but notice the focus on PTSD as it relates to war veterans and the stigma associated with treatment. Furthermore, the more recent shooting at Pulse in Orlando adds another layer to how violence plants the seeds for lifelong hurt in the community. I was stunned when I read about how first responders were dealing with the constant ringing of cellphones as they conducted their work at the crime scene and I realized I,too, need to broaden my perception of who is affected by violence locally (city, state), regionally, nationally, and globally. We do not always know the victims firsthand but we may know friends or family members of the victim or feel our shared identity allows us to empathize with their situation, perhaps it even brings up the hardships in our own past.
The older I get the more I realize it’s ok to talk about my own struggles with anxiety as it relates to fireworks and veteran deaths. The two issues are markedly similar to my first deployment experiences of frequent mortar fire and daily deaths of service members. I can tell you daily life is not always a challenge for me the way it is for other survivors (war, sexual assault, weather-related catastrophe, domestic violence, mass shootings, and so forth). The research I invested earlier this year crafting my applied project took a significant emotional toll on me but it’s coming close to that time of year where the celebratory use of fireworks by others makes me cringe.
After experiencing fireworks last year in my old Gilbert neighborhood on the 4th of July and then again for New Year’s the trepidation for the upcoming Fourth of July has been building and for that reason I decided to open up about my issues. I don’t know what my new neighbors are like and if they will shoot off fireworks from our shared driveway the way the former neighbors did. I don’t know if individuals in this neighborhood and the neighborhoods surrounding us will subject me to a marathon four-hour ‘celebration’ on New Years that will bring on a series of chest pains and hours of anguish. I cannot imagine what the Fourth looks like but I am nervous already about potentially losing a whole night’s sleep and still needing to go into work the next day.
I am exceptionally aware of the fireworks season when it crops up: local vendors set up stands on their vehicles on the side of local roadways and local stores clean floorspace for variety packs of fireworks for nearly every budget. While others plan fun for themselves, I’m counting down the days until I suffer through a particular hell I never imagined I’d be back in. In war after a mortar attack, I had a purpose and so I trudged through my tasks because my work helped keep people alive. A daily mortar attack here and there became normal and I adopted a casual brush off of this experience. So long as we looked around and everyone was ‘ok’ things were normal.
Looking back on my past, I am now rather grateful fireworks were–and are–such a rare exposure. I lived in the barracks for most of my Marine Corps career and so I did not encounter fireworks there. When I moved off base–residing in Oceanside–fireworks weren’t a concern either. From the alley of our home in Cody, Wyoming I could see the large public fireworks display off in the distance which I find enjoyable but none of my neighbors lit fireworks down the street. (To be honest, I also don’t know if it was permitted either but I am grateful my exposure was limited.) During the time I lived with my in-laws in Mesa and later in ASU’s family housing I also did not contend with fireworks.
So please know for the duration of June 24th to July 6th–the time period in which the use of fireworks is permitted here–I will be more on edge as I wait to see with what frequency my neighbors use fireworks.
In also addressing the 2006 versus 2016 comparison I’ve promised you, below is one of my previous entries from 2006. I know I am off a day but I didn’t write as much in 2006 as I thought I did. However, this time period of entries is a good one because it gets close to when I left for my second deployment with 3rd MAW, serving on the deployment under MAG-16.
Good morning everyone! I am bummed to write this post so far removed from my graduation on May 9th but I encountered some technical difficulties when building my draft and deleted the entire thing a week after graduation. I am horribly mortified and sincerely disappointed to lose the fresh elation of graduation in my writing. Walking for graduation was a beautiful experience and I am sorry I cannot now do full justice to this celebration.
I did not walk for my undergraduate ceremony at University of Wyoming since Laramie, Wyoming (where the University is located) is just over 5 and a half hours from where we previously lived in Cody, Wyoming. Thankfully, I didn’t have such a large distance in the way for my graduate ceremony. Tempe is only about 40-45 minutes from where we live and I already make this commute for my daily work. I took the whole day off work to celebrate, which was really nice as well. This semester has been rather hectic and I am thankful I could escape from work to celebrate with my family.
I was also joined by my writing partner, Pieter Turley, and our professor, Dr. Beth Blue Swadener, for the actual ceremony. Pieter and I were partners in Dr. Swadener’s writing seminar class this semester and she also served on our respective applied project defenses. Pieter and I took different approaches in discussing war for our projects: he spoke on the different ways France is culpable but has not fully taken responsibility for its role in the Rwandan Genocide and I spoke about the human death toll of Operation Iraqi Freedom (from August 2004 to February 2005 to coincide with my first deployment) and the visibility of persons who do not fill infantry roles but are war participants nonetheless. For new blog followers, my applied project is available my entry titled The Final Reveal: An Alternative View of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Photo Credit: Beth Blue Swadener
Photo Credit: Beth Blue Swadener
Photo Credit: Beth Blue Swadener
I am very grateful Dr. Swadener offered prior to graduation to take photographs of Pieter and I during graduation. My parents and siblings were not in attendance as they live out-of-state and my husband, daughter, and in-laws were up pretty high in the bleachers so I couldn’t even find them during the ceremony. I am even more grateful for her photographs as the professional graduation photograph proofs came in the mail recently and I look angry in two of the three images; Beth did an exceptional job capturing the joy of this occasion. And if you want to learn more about commencement traditions, I implore you to check out ASUNow’s May 6th article, The History and the Meaning Behind the Regalia of ASU’s Commencement.
Graduation 2016
My husband also graduated with his Bachelor’s degree this semester and will start law school in the fall. Pardon me for not saying much of his achievements. He is a very reserved person whereas I am an introvert with social tendencies in the right environments. I do my best to respect his privacy and therefore do not speak publicly about his military service, his social connections, or his academic achievements except in those incidents where the overlap with my identity is important for providing the full context of a situation. He has many adventures ahead of him and my daughter and I have a lot to learn about how to support his needs as a future law student.
Again, thank you for your patience for this blog entry. My forays with technology teach me daily to find peace with the process.
I would also like to remind you to please remember Memorial Day is about honoring our fallen. The commodification of this day (as with many of our holidays) provides an open door for purchases that are needed (or not) with reduced financial strain but the meaning behind our holidays–and this holiday in particular–should not be forgotten. I will not pester you to not purchase anything this weekend. In fact, I will be purchasing paint tomorrow morning for my daughter’s new bedroom. While I already had plans to paint her room, the savings on this purchase means I can likely afford to paint two rooms at this time versus just one. However, I would like to ask anyone, like me, who will make a purchase or two this weekend also provide a donation (time, money, or in-kind) to an organization that provides direct support to the families of fallen service members, such as housing services, educational scholarships, or counseling services. Your contributions, wherever they may go, make this world a better place for the families whose loved ones made the ultimate sacrifice.
I am very proud to say my applied project is complete. Revisiting the American casualty information, the most painful part of the research process, took nearly the whole semester. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I had to step back from the process. Before building this applied project, I never spent a substantial amount of time looking at the narratives of my fallen comrades. Given my past work on activity reports for our area of operation, I spent 12 hours a day, 7 days a week viewing data on killed and wounded personnel (friendly forces, civilian, and enemy). While I’ve previously talked to you all about Captain Brock I forced myself to sort through the data for the total 553 American military personnel killed from August 13, 2004 to February 25, 2005. The images below are courtesy of MilitaryTimes Honor the Fallen. One of the hardest stories to learn, when I investigated the issue further was the death of Corporal Paul Holter because he died by the thoughtless actions of a fellow Marine.
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I intentionally looked for information on individuals who died specifically within the Al Anbar Province; units would have sent us this casualty data along with the number of wounded persons in the same incident. For this reason, the American service member casualties represents the most accurate reality of the deployment because I could sort through each narrative to find the right dates and province. Eight individuals who were wounded in the Al Anbar province died outside this area (one passed away in Baghdad, 2 passed away in Germany, and 5 passed away stateside) and so were not included in my applied project. There are a number of deaths that read as potential suicides although the cause of death is not stated as such. While I do not mean to come across as insensitive to the families, there is such a struggle maintaining intra- and intercultural conversations regarding suicide and each time we hide the circumstances surrounding our loved ones’ passing, we further exacerbate the social stigma. For the most part I did not label any service member’s death by circumstance in my presentation because many simply state ‘enemy action’ as the cause of death, particularly for the Marine Corps, whereas more of the Army narratives list a specific weapon type. I do not know how to make any useful connection (or know if there is one) about this difference.
It was equally as important to look for information on wounded American service members. While I don’t know what types of injuries qualified for record purposes, I did not make an analysis about that lacking data in my applied project write up. Once again, in providing the human toll of war, my purpose was to align the numbers that might represent what we would have “seen” coming across our desks. For this reason, the data is incomplete for my purposes but provides greater context because it is not limited by day or province. However, I reigned the numbers back in by only showing Army and Marine Corps data since these branches made up the majority of our area of responsibility. iCasualties.org provided the necessary data for this segment of the applied project. Unlike the American deaths, it was not a struggle to collect this information.
The more I moved away from American data and my experiences, the easier it was to review the hard data. Iraqbodycount.org provided the second most substantial amount of data and also the second most accurate representation of that deployment reality. However, I have more work to do in understanding the individuals who made such a site possible. We all carry our own biases and while I may question who is listed as a civilian, their assessment–from the construction of the site and language utilized–lends itself more to who do we count as our enemy? From this site, I gathered information that was only specific by month and year. For this reason, my applied project included more data than I had planned for but I could not break it down into daily numbers as was available for the MilitaryTimes casualty information. I wasn’t able to find Iraqi civilians wounded from the same time period through Iraqbodycount.org. I think it’s very important that Iraqbodycount.org acknowledges why this issue is complex. A 2003 article on their site, Adding Indifference to Injuries, is just one such online article that addresses this problem. Outside of my research for this project, I do know there are many others trying to undo this marginalization, like the Costs of War Project.
The gaps in piecing together the data cannot be overlooked but they can be explained. None of the numbers alone on any side though reflects accurately on the war. The connections between social systems, the breakdown of such systems, and learning another culture’s values on the fly shape our perceptions of war and incidents of all scales and frequency happen out of emotional responses and intentionality. (I would say this statement is true of all matters not just war.) These are not the only intersecting factors, but as narratives become known, these issues are more visible. I would highly recommend the HBO mini-series Generation Kill as a good representation of pulling these issues together. There are not a lot of war genre shows or movies that I can tolerate about Iraq; however, this one shows aspects of Marine Corps culture that I appreciate. Additionally, I appreciate how concern for Iraqi civilians is represented and how those individuals who do not express concern for Iraqi civilians is also represented. We must be willing to acknowledge that both types of individuals exist not only in our military but also in our nation.
It is also important to mention I am not pro-War or anti-War. I think to say something as controversial as war is 100% right or wrong in all situations is not an educated statement. While it is not my place to tell others what opinions to have, I will work to respect both sides of the spectrum so long as individuals throughout the spectrum understand a difference of opinion is a difference of opinion. Opinions are neither right or wrong.
One of the last pieces of information which was the most difficult to find was that for insurgent forces killed and wounded. Again, like the data for American wounded, Iraqi civilians killed and wounded, I am confronted with the reality none of this data is transparent enough for me to correlate it with my deployment. For this reason, it is impossible to say I’ve truly given my audience the knowledge they need to understand the enormity of the situations specific to the deployment. Instead, I’ve given the next available answers. From a 2007 USAToday article, I found this last piece of the deployment puzzle. A 2007 Stars and Stripes article shows this information broken down more clearly. I would recommend checking out the latter article as I’ve had trouble on numerous occasions with getting the USAToday article to display properly.
My journal entries which are significant to understanding the deployment are embedded throughout the applied project. I do apologize for the fact the ones at the latter part of the presentation might seem exceedingly long. I was concerned the longer entries might be hard to read if they were shown for a shorter period of time but several individuals mentioned they could read faster than the pace of the presentation. While I won’t make every entry I’ve ever written public, there are strong conversations from my past that will always be worth remembering. The journal entries I shared were carefully chosen for what they mention about the violence in Iraq with respect to my work and the indirect fire we experienced on base; my positive and negative responses to the dangers; and my feelings about my friends, family, and my place in the Marine Corps.
As this blog progresses further, I will continue to provide you all with comparisons between 2006 and 2016 and 2007 and 2017 to show how my life has changed as my Marine Corps career ended and my current life looks now. I cannot promise a lot other than a continued interest exploring and discussing today’s military culture, especially as the role of women changes. I am equally interesting in conducting more research about the broader implications of Operation Iraqi Freedom and sharing my finds with you all. Lastly, because my schedule has opened up significantly, I am looking to read more academic articles and popular books about our military.
I want to thank you all for following along on this journey so far and I look forward to sharing more again soon. If you are interested in looking at some of the articles I used for toward the applied project, they are listed below. All were accessed through ASU’s libraries using JSTOR.
Tina Mai Chen’s (2004) Introduction: Thinking Through Embeddedness: Globalization, Culture, and the Popular
My apologies for being one of the worst blog authors you’ve probably put up with in a while. Over the course of the last few weeks, I dug deep into my applied project write-up and mulled over what to include/exclude from my applied project itself, which will be a 20-25 minute iMovie. Upon completion of my project presentation, my goal is to return to video to this site for public consumption. It is–and is intended to be–an alternative American war narrative, so be prepared for the fact it neither feeds into the normally messaging seen in American war genre films nor is it fully on the other spectrum home to anti-war sentiments.
Earlier this year though I promised you I would also do a 2006 versus 2016, especially as it relates to giving you what I essentially feel is the other half of my military service. Life at 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing (MAW) and my second Iraq deployment with Marine Aircraft Group (MAG) 16 represented a significant culture shift from ground side Marine Corps life. Therefore, today, I am upholding my promise to you. Today I will start my 2006 to 2016 comparisons; while not complete, these entries that follow intermittently for the rest of the year will allow you to see the different voice I took with my writing and also contribute to a better understanding of how that time further honed my desire to leave the Corps and assimilate back into civilian life.
Please enjoy the older journal entry below, previously posted on MySpace. (I know I’m dating myself and as I’m learning in class, I am still dating myself with my reliance on Facebook, too. )
~Cheryl
p.s. I have to chuckle at my old self, too. I totally love (some types of) white wine now and I’m a big Tennessee whiskey and Kentucky bourbon fan. I will probably equal disappoint a lot of people when I mention that the only sweet red wine I like I found at Trader Joe’s.
I do see some bitterness placed (unduly) on my senior prom date and this is why situating an event in context matters, which I failed to do in the journal entry below. He was sick when he took me to prom and unfortunately, as one of the not-so-cool kids, I was in the unfortunate position of nearly every popular girl in my class coming over to talk to my date, who was older than all of us. He, being the nice person that he was and likely still is, apologized for the state of our evening but obviously the person I was back in 2006 was still a bit hurt my senior prom did not live up to expectations.
Me, on the left, deciding to show off my athletic physique for senior prom.
She Wears Dogtags 