Fighter Diet: An Up-Close Look at Food Spending

The week ahead I will start my fitness challenge and I recognized today my desire to regain physical strength and health, often a matter of privilege, also coincides with another area of privilege or disadvantage–depending on your income levels–which is food spending. Just recently, I shared with you all a number of goals for the year and how important it is for me to consider my financial ability to meet those objectives.

If you’ve had the chance to check out my Instagram account you’ll notice I ‘talk’ a lot about food; dining out, grocery shopping, and home cooked meals are frequent subjects in my photographs. I love exploring food culture and experiences and in the past, I didn’t write to you all about why I am that way.

As a child, one of my earliest memories about the importance of a food budget came in elementary school. One of my teachers assigned our class to construct a pretend food budget using store circulars. I loved this assignment. I thought it was fun to ‘spend’ pretend money and a seed was planted about the enjoyment of providing for one’s needs. I cut out all sorts of images (with the food prices) to round out my budget. I do not recall what my budget was (this was back in the 1990’s) but I wish I had recalled if my teacher had us plan for a family or for a single person’s grocery budget.

My parents raised four children and although both of my parents worked (my dad served in the Navy), my mother also used child support from my biological father to meet our needs. I knew early on I did not see myself raising a family mirroring the one I grew up in; I’m pretty certain around eleven years of age I told my dad I wasn’t having children. After my mother’s passing–and my dad started his life again with my stepmother–I inherited two new siblings. Being in a household of six children, I recognized more and more how difficult food spending can be on a family, especially during the teenage years.

While serving as a United States Marine, I also recognized outside the institution of family, other institutions impact our access to food and food spending. The Marine Corps provided me with what’s known as a basic allowance for subsistence (BAS). The 2014 numbers show $357.77 per month for enlisted service members. During boot camp, combat training, MOS school, and while I lived in the barracks, my meals were provided to me, instead of receiving the dollar amount of the BAS. (As a related matter, instead of receiving a basic allowance for housing like married service members, when I was in training and a single Marine early in my career, I instead receiving accommodations in barracks. These accommodations are in my opinion not equitable to the freedom married service members have in using their funds to find their suitable family residence, be it an apartment, condo, or single family home.)

The chow halls have their own rotating menu selections, including entrees, sides, drinks (no alcohol, obviously), and dessert options. During boot camp, my fellow recruits and I were not permitted to enjoy desserts, although some people did sneak snacks at time and the group was punished for these individual actions. While at MOS school, our instructors were not shy about criticizing us for indulging in ‘fat pills’ when we choose to eat pre-packaged snacks provided to us during training. My first unit set up a coffee mess in our office so we could purchase pre-packaged snack items on site; the coffee mess permitted us to enjoy some nice snacks without always walking across our camp (Camp Margarita on Camp Pendleton) to the PX, which was closer to my barracks than work. For both deployments, no one seemed to care whether you chose to eat healthy or eat junk, so long as you still met Marine Corps height and weight requirements. I rather liked the chow hall selections on both deployments over the stateside chow halls with the exception of milk. We had shelf-stable milk products (in regular, chocolate, and strawberry) in Iraq and on both deployments, I ended up with a package of spoiled milk.

After separating from the Marine Corps, I found myself for the first time in a position to be (almost) solely responsible for food budgeting, shopping, and preparation. My husband was still serving so we had BAS to meet our food budget needs, but I taught myself how to cook by watching Food Network. I tried shopping at the commissary on Camp Pendleton and it’s rather a tie between it and Walmart as my most despised places to grocery shop. On one side, the commissary has rules on what constitutes proper clothes (and you will be asked to leave if you are dressed inappropriately) so I’m not annoyed by people traipsing around in pajamas like every Walmart shopping trip I’ve ever had. On the other side, it’s easy to find a Walmart everywhere I’ve ever lived and their selections do beat the sparse variety of military commissary shelves.

As I prepare for this fitness challenge, I am confronted by the fact my routines for food purchases and preparation require greater consideration. Just as I have in the past, I allow myself greater freedom for initial stocking up purchases, like cooking oils, and I try not to berate myself if the first week of food is more expensive compared to my typical food purchases. Usually, I have a lower grocery food budget because we also add in a dining out budget. The USDA provides it own food plan costs across numerous budgets but I would say we try to spend no more than $100-$160 per week for our family of three. Some weeks are more expensive because we are paying for bulk purchases like paper goods and cooking oils and our less expensive weeks we might only be buying fruits and vegetables (those weeks we spend $30-$40 typically) when we have sufficient frozen meat products or leftovers.

Trader Joe’s happens to be one of my favorite places to grocery shop since I can maximize my budget more without sacrificing on my shopping experience (I know, I’m talking privilege here) because again, fellow Walmart shoppers drives me a little crazy (please wear real pants, that’s all I’m asking for). If you can overlook the parking situation, Trader Joe’s has good prices on everything and they have a fairly good mix of things (produce, bread, meat and cheese products, even alcohol. Keep in mind, you might not find everything you need there. (Thankfully, the Trader Joe’s I went to today also had a Sprouts conveniently next door. Sprouts is more expensive than Walmart but they have some nice specialty items Walmart doesn’t carry and I love their bulk bin foods.) I implore you to shop there at least once to check things out; word of advice though: do go early, after they open at 9am. If you go during the height of their busy hours, you just might hate me for encouraging you to visit their store.

We managed to get almost everything we needed for this upcoming week and most purchases were made at Trader Joe’s. Our fridge is not big enough to purchase all the cauliflower we need so we’ll head by to the store about midweek and we might need to grab more ground turkey as well. My husband’s trying the fighter diet as well, but with some small adjustments, like using cocoa powder instead of the Lily’s Dark Chocolate Stevia Sweetened Chips so we can save a little money. I am happy though for the first four weeks of this fitness challenge, my diet will be approximately 1,700 calories and it’s filled with foods I like (egg whites, kale, shrimp, chocolate, cauliflower, Cheerios, although we are using Trader O’s instead) and things that will fill me out, even if I’m not entirely sure I’ll like them (oat bran and whey protein…I’ve tried some protein powders before that are terrible, so we’ll see).

Sadly, as I write you all, it came to my attention, I completely overlooked buying mushrooms for the week and I will be making another shopping run. Because I was a bit absent-minded at times like today, we picked up oat bran at Safeway and since Trader Joe’s didn’t have hemp oil we picked it up at Sprout’s.

trader-joes-receipt — Excluding non-Fighter Diet purchases for our daughter, we spent $129.77 on our meal items.

Trader Joe’s didn’t have Hemp Oil so we picked it up at Sprouts ($7.99).

Groceries Tally for Fighter Diet (Most of Week 1 for 2 Adults)

Trader Joe’s $129.77

Sprouts (Hemp Oil) $7.99

Natural Grocer’s $12.50

(Lily’s Choc. Chips)

Safeway ( 4 boxes, 16oz. Oat Bran) $11.96 (We bought more than a week’s worth.)

Total FD Spending $169.22

***This week, we still need mushrooms (approx. 9-8oz. containers) which might run $18-$20 total and approximately 6 other packages of cauliflower, which would be $14.94 would put our total just over $200 for 2 adults. I think the rounded number works best for future planning. I’m not sure what most people would think if I tell them to imagine spending $100 per week on their food consumption, but we can easily go over that number when we grocery shop and dine out.

The Fighter Diet chocolate whey (sold individually) costs $54.95 and with approximately 37 servings, an individual portion costs $1.49. A day’s worth (3 servings) is $4.47.

To keep things simple, our daily food cost will be just over $14 per adult and I’m using the amount $4.47 for daily whey protein consumption. I bought it as part of the package for my fitness challenge ($149.99). This plan, for us, has a manageable food budget (compared to a food delivery service we tried not too long ago) and will be less expensive once we get into the weeks with food swaps. Additionally, I am eager it doesn’t have a lot of meal prep; again, we tried others that wanted us to make 5-6 meals! I’m happy to only have three meals and on-the-go snacks that don’t require significant time.

For less than $20 a day, I am fueling my body with three meals and two snacks and I’m ok with how insane this number might look to other people. I won’t always be spending this amount of money but to get back on track with my health, I am choosing to sacrifice spending in other areas of my life which I don’t consider to be as important.

~Cheryl

Note: In case you were wondering about my daughter, she’s got plenty to eat this week as well. Aside from the less than $29 we spent today on school lunch sides, snacks, and breakfast cereal bars, we also have pantry items, fresh veggies, and frozen leftovers on hand meant for her. She eats like a champ (hardly ever indulging in soda and she mostly despises ice cream) and we ensure she gets as many nutritious meals and healthy snacks (fruit, cheese, etc.) as her little heart and stomach desire.

Posted on January 7, 2017 by She_wears_dogtags 0

2007 Versus 2017: Goals, Goals, Goals

Hello, everyone. I know New Year’s treated you well. I spent my three-day weekend at home and enjoyed a slight decrease (much to my appreciation) in fireworks exposure. My new neighbors don’t seem to go quite as crazy as the ones I had in the Willows neighborhood in Gilbert. If you like fireworks, you might enjoy a stroll through this neighborhood on the 4th of July or New Year’s Eve; I anticipate in a neighborhood of 586 houses so long as the Town of Gilbert permits fireworks, people will set up small fireworks shows just outside their front doors. For today though, I’ll like to start my first 2007 versus 2017 post.

2007 was important for me because I completed my active duty service with the Marine Corps and started to explore what life beyond the Corps would look and feel like, my taste of adult freedom if you will. I won’t say I made smart money moves back then so as we begin this new journey looking back and discussing my future in 2017, please know I will likely discuss money a lot. My financial needs were met very well on active duty; my husband and I did not have any kids while I was serving and we both collected a housing allowance. Since we both served, we received one full housing allowance and the other received a partial housing allowance. I do apologize that I do not recall the actual monetary amounts because I understand this knowledge aids our conversation greatly. All too often, a young service member will complain about not having sufficient pay for food, housing, etc. but for our household size and relative expenses, we always came out ahead even after I separated until we moved to Wyoming in 2009. Stories for another day I know, but the short version is that many of our expenses, fixed and variable, remained the same and our housing allowance decreased significantly.

In 2007, I had some lofty wedding reception ambitions. While we never ended up having our wedding reception the reality is I spent a significant amount of time planning for a costly one-day event. On the skinny spending side, I think we were looking at $8,000 to $10,000 for the venue, a photographer, hotel rooms, travel, food, etc. The dream was dropped before anything was booked but not until after I purchased my wedding gown (we got married through the Justice of the Peace in 2006) and picked up some small wedding related items.

My desire to control my personal finances did not truly begin until we moved to Wyoming. Our crash course in the broke life lead us to Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. Being introduced to Dave Ramsey’s program through friends and their church, we made headway towards undoing the financial damage. It’s not fun, but without the substantial housing allowance we received in California, we had to take a serious look at our finances. Throughout the years, we’ve still struggled to stay on the Dave Ramsey path so I still refer back to the books and resources. My in-laws also added more Dave Ramsey resources to our collection. Additionally, I kept my Financial Planning notebook from my undergraduate studies because I want to ensure I update our financial goals (i.e. retirement planning, life insurance planning, etc.) as our family needs change over time.

With my husband still in school, 2017 does not wear the carefree face our lives did in 2007. We just don’t have that same amount of money to play with on a daily basis. Thankfully, he has one semester of Post-9/11 GI Bill^®benefits to help cover expenses this semester but law school is one of those endeavors where we are bringing student loan debt into our lives. This decision obviously strays from Dave Ramsey’s teachings. We take steps towards self-improvement and I would prefer to not be shamed for student loan debt; I do not make enough money to fully fund law school. We considered ASU’s Employee Reduced Tuition but the reality is 100% of that tuition reduction is taxed for graduate programs and I am already working on a tight single income, the last thing I need is more money taken out of my paycheck at this time. Now that we have a more transparent conversation (thanks for not judging me or keeping your opinion to yourself) I would like to share personal goals for the year.

My goals are broadly categorized under personal achievements, family activities, and home improvement. Financial planning is important to each one of these endeavors. I am in a place to either spend money for the results or I am saving money to complete the goal. Although I am not outlining these as SMART (specific, measurable, action-oriented, realistic, and time-based) for your respective purposes as the reader, these qualities are important whenever you desire to see a goal through completion and I’m keeping these factors in mind for each goal.

In lieu of resolutions, here are my planning goals for 2017:

Finish Pauline Nordine’s Butt Bible Challenge to restore fitness discipline into my life (Challenge runs January to March).
Attend an adoption education event, free other than cost to get there.
Add $1,000 to my daughter’s savings before the close of 2017.
Pay for a one recipient’s scholarship for the Rising Stars, Desert Nights Writing Conference.
Close a credit card account.
Finish painting my master’s bathroom (February).
Complete a family vacation (no visiting extending family).
Attend a family member’s wedding.
Add additional money to our emergency fund (i.e. amount will vary depending on overtime worked and additional income received this year).
Finish first draft of memoir by October.
Set up college fund accounts for nieces and my nephew to be born this year in lieu of gifts and clothes for Christmas.
Visit family who have not seen my daughter since 2011.
Set aside money for an adoption home study (approximately $1,200 to $1,800) before the end of the year. (Goal is to adopt in 2019)
Replace our large bookcase with wall shelves (May/June).
Purchase (1) PAX wardrobe for master bedroom (September/October).
Put in Astroturf and extend patio slab (March/April).

Posted on January 5, 2017September 26, 2023 by She_wears_dogtags 0

Watching 2016 Come to a Close, And Looking Back in Time More Generally

Three days into my four-day weekend for Christmas and here I am writing. I love writing. I appreciate writing for the time capsules we are left with, our personal investment or someone else’s. I received Lauren Graham’s Talking As Fast As I Can and Anna Kendrick’s Scrappy Little Nobody to keep me company on my break but writing makes my soul happy, too. All too often I know I take for granted my ability to read and write (and certainly, comprehend). 2016 is coming to a close and rather than berate myself again for giving you too small a glimpse into 2006 for comparative purposes, I will just share with you today some moments from back then in just a bit.

Holidays are holidays regardless of where you find yourself in the world. Sometimes, they are enjoyed to the fullest extent (such as a friend’s recent engagement yesterday) while others are spent worrying about finding space out of the cold and a warm meal (as is the case with many homeless persons around the globe). My Christmas this year was one of the best I’ve had of all remembered Christmas celebrations. It was not dramatic or filled with expense gifts. My husband, daughter, and I spent nearly eight hours at a friend’s house for Christmas Eve and the company of her family reminded me fondly of my own who I haven’t spent Christmas with since 2005, due to financial reasons and work-related availability. Christmas yesterday was spent with my in-laws. Our meal did not have all the traditional trimmings my family likes to make but consisted of various new things I’ve never experienced for Christmas dinner: pork roast, corn pudding, croissants (not like I EVER turn those down!), cauliflower casserole, and Cheesecake Factory’s White Chocolate Peppermint cheesecake. It is in simple life moments, like having a full plate at Christmas dinner, that I know I am privileged.

I am more aware of my opportunities and ability to dissect the world I live in, the paths I’ve taken to get here, and to reflect on how I’ve grown as a person. I know I should not be embarrassed to share some rantings from 2006 but they are a bit awful. I really hit a wall with where I was with the Marine Corps, feeling like it was a complete waste of time, struggling with a second tour in Iraq that felt inadequate. Additionally, it didn’t help that I was spending the holidays with a group of people mostly whom I felt no connection to and that’s not a healthy way to bid one’s time.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Merry Christmas (Yeah I know I’m early)

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you are all having a wonderful time back home (on in Iraq-don’t worry Matt, I didn’t forget you) or in Angola (Cody, I didn’t forget you either). I know the holidays are very different for everyone this year so I am hoping you all have the best holidays that you can. As for myself, my Marines and I are exchanging our secret santa presents tomorrow morning at 0630 and then I get to go to a wonderful event at 0800 in our base theater. I can talk to you all more about it after I go. Other than that, I do not have to work on Christmas (this is such a blessing, since I feared our boss would make us). For my secret santa, I bought National Lampoon Christmas Vacations 1 and 2, a Mad Libs: Who Moved My Cubicle, pistachios, and Hot and Spicy and Barbecue Vienna sausages. I also got him this David’s Sunflower seeds spitter cup, but that I found, so it was free. 🙂 It’s not used…don’t think that’s what I meant when I said I “found” it.

I have nothing else going on other that on Christmas. I finished the novel I bought the other day. It was called The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards and I liked it a lot.

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I know I probably won’t get the chance to leave notes on everyone’s pages so I hope this suffices for everyone. Enjoy the ham, turkey, roast beef, prime rib, vegan (if that’s what you are eating), enjoy the cookies, cakes, and pastries. Enjoy the mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, rice. Whatever you enjoy, have a wonderful holiday. Enjoy the time with your family and friends and please email me photos if you take any. 🙂 I love and miss you all.

Love,

Cheryl

I have some great opportunities coming ahead in 2017 but I do appreciate the opportunity to share these brief moments in the present and past with you all. 2006 and 2016 were very unique years in my life and as you can tell, my writing style changed greatly. You provide me the space to speak of ‘normal things’ with such rawness and we live in a time where divulging the ‘normal’ stuff rather instantaneously (it is not with irony that I shared the following Instagram photo below) gives us the means to understand so much more about societies, family life, and personal experiences. I know I don’t give you a door into everything into my past nor will I grant you access to everything in my future but I hope you often find the conversation I’ve given you is enough.

screen-shot-2016-12-26-at-2-37-32-pm

Posted on December 26, 2016 by She_wears_dogtags 0

Writing About Your Life: Intimate Details

screen-shot-2016-12-08-at-12-42-38-pm

I know it’s not normal for you to get an updated post from me this time of time but I am at home with my sick daughter and now that I’ve sent her off for an afternoon nap, it’s time for me to enjoy some “me time” which translates to writing. It may not be what I do best [yet in my life] but it’s one of the best things I enjoy.

When I started this blog back in 2014, I mentioned something that probably did not come off as an intimate detail in my life. I mentioned how, back in 2004, one of the Corporals at my unit told me not to write a book about Iraq. Now, as a thirty-two year old, I cringe more when I think of that asinine statement. There is not a single soul in this world that deserves to tell me what to do with my life.

I think war narratives are important, even if I haven’t liked all the ones I’ve read. The point is not to get rich. The point is not to be famous. The point is to convey a slice of history that can be lost otherwise. The point is to capture sights, sounds, people, and places that are changed in the moment and hopefully influence people to take a more nuanced approach to understanding war.

As impossible as it is to whittle down what I learned in graduate school, one of the best lessons I came away with is uncovering the extent of how society ignores, belittles, and underreports the achievements and lived experiences of women. We are not shadows of living beings; we are living, too. I say society in this reference in speaking specifically to American society however there are many teachings that shows us women compared to men are often given less notice.

I write to you all today to tell you I will write my book. I will write it regardless of whether it gets published. I will write it because there will never be another moment in time that mirrors this experience. I will write it because there are numerous others who could gain something from this type of storytelling. I will write because a song I heard recently made me think of this experience and the amount of emotional connection I have to that point in my life.

I will not forgo a personal achievement because another human being has such set opinions against writing war memoirs.

If you’re wondering about that song, below are the lyrics:

“Every Little Thing” (Sung by Carly Pearce)

The scent that you left on my pillow
The sound of your heart beating with mine
The look in your eyes like a window
The taste of your kiss soaked in wine

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing

Guess you forgot what you told me
Because you left my heart on the floor
Baby, your ghost still haunts me
But I don’t want to sleep with him no more

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing

They say time is the only healer
God, I hope that isn’t right
Cause right now I’d die to not remember

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Every little thing
I remember every little thing
I’m haunted by the memories of
Every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Every little thing

Posted on December 8, 2016 by She_wears_dogtags 0

On Giving Thanks:Recognizing Marginalized Communities and (In)Visible Service

Today marks a day when many of us gather to enjoy good food, the company of friends (Friendsgiving) and/or family (by choice or by a sense of obligation), and we may share sentiments and/or imagery from our gatherings on social media to show what we are grateful for this year.

2016 has been an exceptionally challenging and at times rewarding year for me. As such, sometimes I have a lot to say and other times different areas of my life overwhelm me and the last thing I feel I need is a spotlight on personal struggles and/or the additional stress of yet another obligation in my life. It may seem odd that writing, which fuels my soul, can also take a great toll on me. I am the kind of person who greatly requires sleep and on some of my busiest days I am not inclined to lose out on sleep to write, despite how much writing enriches my life.

This month provided an interesting opportunity for learning in the form of ASU’s Tunnel of Awareness. My original interest in attending was to check out the display for the Women Veterans Club but was rather drawn in by the Transgender Day of Remembrance display. Although I don’t know anyone directly during my military service who felt their gender at birth did not fit their identity, I noticed a number of individuals photographed from the Veteran Vision Project whose images reveal two distinct gender identities. While I cannot say I know how difficult it must be to feel one’s whole body doesn’t fit, I can relate to how it feels that one’s service (and self) feels invisible in a society that only tends see certain bodies and abilities as having value.

Just this past weekend, I was a bit surprised to read a CNN article by Emanuella Grinberg about a transgender Marine, Lance Corporal Aaron Wixson, and his experience with his respective unit. To better understand why I was surprised, please keep in mind when I was serving gay and lesbian service members could not openly serve. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was not repealed until 2011. In the midst of my completing my degree, I know I didn’t stay as up-to-date on DoD policy changes but I am embarrassed to say such a large policy change occurred and I missed the opportunity to speak about the matter earlier.

I know such a drastic policy change may still be hard for many to handle who have grown up in the “old ways” of military service or whose religious or cultural beliefs set more strict gendered roles and identity at the center of their ideologies. For those people I implore you to open your heart and imagine if you had a family member who struggled with their sense of self. You do not need to share the same values as other people to respect their place in this world. We just need to remember each person has a soul; he or she has dreams for the future; and each person has talents which can enrich our communities in numerous ways if we do not allow something like our perceptions of who that person is cloud our ability to see the real person.

Please feel free to read further about the Department of Defense’s policy reversal about transgendered persons serving in the military.

Posted on November 24, 2016 by She_wears_dogtags 0

Tattoo Reveal

screen-shot-2016-10-23-at-2-29-17-pm — One of the photographs that served as an original inspiration for my tattoo

The day has come…I am very proud to reveal to you all my tattoo. This personal journey was worth the wait and more importantly, the money. Tattooing is not a cheap gift to one’s self. I am very thankful Justin Nordine from The Raw Canvas in Grand Junction, Colorado is only a short flight away because I absolutely love his style and know already that I will be commissioning another piece with him down the road.

When I initially provided a deposit, I had in mind a negative space tattoo which in some way incorporated ‘freedom’ written in Arabic. I knew with my year timeframe to fruition I could hone the desired result and certainly events over the past year changed my opinion about how I saw this piece and how I saw my body. There’s a lot to say about my experiences during OIF 2-2 and because I am no longer in the Marine Corps, I am not limited to placement or size of a tattoo to stay within regulations. I did not know when this journey started what the finished product would look like although I did know I was finally ready to commemorate my military service.

The images I provided Justin as we got closer to my appointment included:

A photograph of the Euphrates River (to emphasis an important blue to include in the color work);
A photograph of the 1st Marine Division logo (again to emphasis an important blue);
A door located on Camp Blue Diamond (for the scrollwork);
A photograph of Peruvian lilies (the meaning of these flowers are friendship and devotion); and
I discussed the dual names attributed to the second assault into Fallujah (in lieu of an additional photograph).

I didn’t realize how much I was asking of Justin when I provided these images but during our phone consultation we touched base on making a new memory. He reminded me I am commissioning a piece of art. I had been putting so much pressure on finding the right way to speak to the complicated nature of the deployment and he reminded me quite gently that I knew what the tattoo meant and if a concrete representation was important that he might not be the artist for me. I think his willingness to have this conversation so I was happy with the final product is very important and because his talent truly speaks for itself I made the decision the tattoo did not need to convey all these things. This opportunity was the first time I allowed someone so much control over something I would carry with me for the rest of my life and I am happy with this adventure.

After providing additional images to Justin for review, I waited until our meeting to see his creation. Originally, we discussed doing an upper arm piece and he crafted a sprig of black sketched lilies capped by a geometric pointillism design which pays tribute to my appreciation for Islamic architecture. Behind the flowers, a beautiful wash of colors included green, blue, rose pink, and orange. The orange, by far, is the color that fascinated me the most. It was so unexpected. Since he had layered images of the sketched flowers and the pointillism separately I was able to see how the design could be easily altered to fit my forearm which didn’t need a cap like the shoulder.

I do have a tendency to carry extra weight in my upper arms (which I never noticed until I was pregnant with my daughter!) and was a bit worried if I don’t always maintain my upper body physical fitness consistently, my tattoo might not look the way I want it to look over time. However, my forearms always look pretty nice even if I don’t hit up the gym regularly and I was very happy to see how the flowers complimented my body structure. He was right that by having the piece of my upper arm I could control who saw it but by having it on my forearm it is available for public display; this decision is not a light one to make depending on who you are and the industry you work in or may choose to consider for professional opportunities. For me, I am past that stage in my life. I wanted my tattoo to be a highly visible work of art I see and share daily with others.

My journey is unique and I am grateful for Justin’s ability to give me a beautiful way to honor that experience.

watercolor-tattoo

Posted on October 23, 2016 by She_wears_dogtags 1

September 2016: Suicide Prevention Month

Last year, I reached out to you all about September being Suicide Prevention Month and I did so from a still fairly safe distance. I knew of others who committed suicide and shared my perception as an outsider. As I write to you all today, I share my sentiments knowing more fully how devastating it is to lose a friend to suicide.

When he committed suicide last November, I was in the raw stages of grief. Shortly after his loss, I was undone in my research on the local veterans’ court when news came that another veteran attempted suicide. I lost it and bawled in a room of strangers. For the past month I’ve pondered about the many other things I could write to you all about but this month always comes done to what’s important. Suicide Prevention is a conversation we must allow ourselves to have and to keep it moving forward.

On Friday, September 23rd, I read about medically retired Marine veteran Kirstie Ennis losing her friend and fellow wounded veteran, Izzy, to suicide. My heart breaks for her, Izzy’s family, and Izzy’s other friends and colleagues. I know there are–unfortunately–so many of us who are the survivors left behind who feel that we failed our loved ones and friends. We could see the obstacles our loved ones have overcome but we haven’t seen the daily struggles that tear them up inside. For this reason, I write to you all today to discuss how emotionally difficult this year has been coming to term with losing Kiernan.

My work with student veterans on many occasions is an extension of the camaraderie I had with a number of Marines in my former units. To those people who know me best, my face lights up when I find a meaningful friendship in particular with my Operation Iraqi Freedom veterans. Kiernan was one of those veterans and I did feel like I failed him when I learned he committed suicide. For almost two years, we shared a professional connection and I personally admired his ambition. He was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met and when I doubted my abilities, he was one of those people who offered small doses of encouragement for both my academic and personal fitness goals.

After he died, I felt basically like I was going to his grave on a near daily basis. The campus–despite how it is a constant energetic flow of people–became a solemn place that haunted me with his memory. I would remember where we crossed path on my way to class after work. I would try to recall the last conversation we had when he came into my office and I would blame myself for not even recalling specifically the last day we saw each other. I remembered, with pride, how he beamed in his graduation regalia. To this day, there is still one place on campus I do not go and that’s to the gym. For me, that location is where I got to see the person he loved to be and unlike others who use the gym as a socialization tool he took his athletic pursuits quite seriously. We would only converse briefly and then he’d go back to his routine but I would always remember when we saw each other he made the effort to say hi quickly and catch up. Some day I might be ready to go back there but for now, I am comfortable enough with the rest of the campus and that’s a substantial victory from where I started after he died.

He, like so many others who commit suicide, will not know how much he was loved by his friends and family. However, I am not angry with him and as we extend the conversation about suicide prevention I think we must be overt our battle is to help others see the value of their lives and to keep living in the face of daily (or constant) struggles. I do not think we can effectively encourage individuals to see their self worth if they feel we will be angry with them for their self-doubt and any current or past actions of self-harm.

My emotional struggles are a bit easier now because I opened up to medical professionals about losing a friend to suicide. I know it was a lot to juggle the fear and anxiety I’d lose another companion or student to suicide. No one handles grief quite the same way and for me as awkward as it was to trust the medical community after some crummy experiences in the Marine Corps, it was necessary. I didn’t like how his loss consumed me like the many service members who died on my deployment. I knew that I had to be on campus every work day and if I continued to feel like I was going to a grave every day I would be constantly miserable. I am not perfect in any way because grief is not perfect. There are times where a song still bothers me or I get more upset driving home because I see the beautiful things he will never experience again, but I recognized I needed self-care after losing him.

I want to thank you all for reading this blog post today. I was very nervous to discuss how emotionally taxing this year has been but with our veteran community losing another peer to suicide so recently, I know we must keep fighting.

Sincerely,

Cheryl

Posted on September 25, 2016 by She_wears_dogtags 0

2006 Versus 2016: Then and Now Series

Good morning! While I normally would already be at work I have a follow up today related to my years’ long struggle with chest pains so rather than waste this time I thought I would write. In the past, my journal entries might have touched on this health issue once or twice but in the past two month the increased frequency of these pains has meant breaking down and seeking medical advice and attention. Something veterans, like me, do not always do well. I have had the biggest chip on my shoulder about again bringing this issue up to the Department of Veterans Affairs for consideration that they are–in fact–service connected. I do not enjoy being “under the microscope” so to speak and I can tell you people do look at me funny when I mention I’ve dealt with this on and off again issue for eleven years now. Currently, I am working with civilian doctors on my case and have thus far done an EKG and a stress echo….there are times I am REALLY grateful I have female providers because these tests are very personal. When I went to complete the stress echo I was quite mortified to see I had a male technician but after speaking with him about my comfort level I had two female staff members replace him: one placed (and removed afterwards) the sensors and the other read the ultrasounds before and after the treadmill test. My follow up with the cardiologist will be in September so I don’t have too much longer to wait for those results.

I do realize I have yet to provide a 2006 to 2016 comparison so while I am a day off, please have some patience with me. I am also still unpacking a house of stuff to make it a home. I am very grateful for my living arrangements but with coming home at six pm (and an ideal bedtime of nine pm) I don’t have copious hours of time during the week to accomplish all I wish to do.

Thanks again as always for your patience as I unpack my experiences (and my house!) and shed light on thoughts of other things (as they occur) going on related to our military and veteran community.

~Cheryl

Screen Shot 2016-08-30 at 8.20.56 AM

Screen Shot 2016-08-30 at 8.21.27 AM

Posted on August 30, 2016 by She_wears_dogtags 0

Role Models & Positive Coping

Good morning, everyone! It is just after six a.m. here but it is fairly normal for my family and I to be up before 7 a.m. on the weekend. During the week I wake up for work at 5:30 a.m. and today was just the same, without the alarm clock. Since I’m up and motivated I thought I would share with you an inspirational story one of my coworkers recently shared via Facebook. The story of Sergeant Elizabeth Marks is one that I did not know before and like retired Marine Sergeant Kirstie Ennis, Sergeant Marks also continues a physical fitness intensive regime in spite of her injuries. I am impressed and motivated by the determination of both these women in the face of such great odds and in the past few weeks have worked on incorporating fitness back in my life. I let that aspect of my wellbeing suffer greatly while I was working full-time and also working on my graduate degree.

Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 6.21.15 AM

I think one of the most powerful messages shared was her choice to wear the 22Kill ring in honor of her friend who committed suicide. While suicide victims are not just limited to individuals who serve (or served in the military) this profession, like other high stress employment fields, has a higher percentage of suicides compared to the civilian population and this percentage is higher for both men and women who serve(d). Even Marks’ physically small but powerful gesture represents a continuing effort to bring awareness to suicide prevention. Other organizations such as the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention are also ensuring work continues to help save lives.

Another message I wanted to share with you today was about the careful construction of Sergeant Marks’ leg tattoo. I thought it was beautiful the ESPN article discussed at length her choices for the design and the meaning behind those symbols. I have many peers who have service-related tattoos and the ones that commemorate fallen peers and pride of service are among the ones that catch my eye the most. Finding the right tattoo artist to craft those messages is something that I think many veterans can relate to and is worth the effort (and money).

I don’t believe I’ve spoken before about the tattoo piece I will have done later this year that commemorates my time at Camp Blue Diamond. I made the appointment for this tattoo about a year ago. Justin Nordine, who owns The Raw Canvas in Grand Junction, Colorado, is who I chose based on his watercolor work. The more I thought about his style the more I realized there wasn’t another single American tattoo artist whose work I came across that made me feel he or she was capable enough of conveying the complex emotions associated with my deployment. When I was explaining to one of our work studies how I am trying to find a balance between not only light and dark, but also feminine and masculine perception I thought more about the challenge this desire creates for the tattoo artist. I think the only thing I am hesitant to include is the color red because red is powerful in many ways that other colors are not especially for its representation of blood. The photographs below (copied from his website) are a small representation of his amazing skill set however I highly encourage you all to check out his Instagram page if you are on Instagram.

Take care and have a great weekend.

~Cheryl

Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 7.05.17 AM Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 7.06.19 AM

Posted on July 30, 2016July 30, 2016 by She_wears_dogtags 0

July 2016

What a month! It’s not over yet but it has been busier and more stressful, complete with more opportunities and challenges. My nervousness over how fireworks would make me feel morphed into a bigger stress response than I imagined. As a result, I have logged my chest pains to keep track of them for an upcoming appointment with a cardiologist. Looking back, the 14 days of chest pains just gets exhausting. Thankfully, they are not all day long but once I do have an episode I do worry if I’ll have another attack during that day. While I have been extremely reluctant to seek medical assistance/further diagnosis about my chest pains the reality is after eleven years of suffering through them, sometimes I cannot manage them effectively on my own. I do find it difficult to carve out sufficient exercise time which keeps them in check. Separately, the sensation of these pains has changed over the years and I know that issue alone is pretty significant to go back to seek medical advice and assistance.

During the Fourth of July, I found it possible to avoid most of the fireworks. My husband and I went to the Keg for a late dinner and walked over to the movie theater in the San Tan mall. Unfortunately, some very overzealous individuals started shooting off fireworks before it was even 9 o’clock. I had some high hopes we could miss the fireworks that night in its entirety but not so much. Although I will be flattening the conversation significantly, being around fireworks does not upset me so much because it reminds me of the constant danger I was in while serving in Iraq. That sucks but it wasn’t the worst thing. It is a struggle because it is a reminder of the worst mortar attack we had which killed my officer. The sound of that attack is something that is seared in my memory more than any other one event. It is a struggle because I know I survived that attack and while so many of us knew Captain Brock we couldn’t save him. The Quick Response Force couldn’t save him. The Medevac crew couldn’t save him. We all–his Marine family–were powerless against an indirect weapon and the rest of us came home.

My daughter asked me recently why I didn’t die in Iraq. She asked this question of me after seeing the Eyes of Freedom memorial while I attended the WAVES conference (Western Association of Veterans Education Specialists) in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I had no answer for her other than that I was fortunate. Even then, it’s not a full answer. I was moved to the night shift in December of 2004. As such, I was at my barracks the day Captain Brock was hit outside our work. That day, it could have been almost anyone who worked in that building or it could have been no one. I was at my home talking to my grandmother on the phone and the blast was something that was easily felt from my location. It made the most terrifying sound of all the mortar impacts we took.

I know other war veterans understand why carrying survivors’ guilt is hard. We have the rest of our lives to carry the burden of those who didn’t make it home. Our existence, our homecoming, is tinged with the reminder we were granted years deprived of our peers. We will think of the accomplishments they didn’t get to enjoy; we will think of the children they didn’t have; and we will think of the fact their families will never be the same.