Writing About Your Life: Intimate Details

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I know it’s not normal for you to get an updated post from me this time of time but I am at home with my sick daughter and now that I’ve sent her off for an afternoon nap, it’s time for me to enjoy some “me time” which translates to writing.  It may not be what I do best [yet in my life] but it’s one of the best things I enjoy.

When I started this blog back in 2014, I mentioned something that probably did not come off as an intimate detail in my life.  I mentioned how, back in 2004, one of the Corporals at my unit told me not to write a book about Iraq.  Now, as a thirty-two year old, I cringe more when I think of that asinine statement.  There is not a single soul in this world that deserves to tell me what to do with my life.

I think war narratives are important, even if I haven’t liked all the ones I’ve read.  The point is not to get rich.  The point is not to be famous.  The point is to convey a slice of history that can be lost otherwise.  The point is to capture sights, sounds, people, and places that are changed in the moment and hopefully influence people to take a more nuanced approach to understanding war.

As impossible as it is to whittle down what I learned in graduate school, one of the best lessons I came away with is uncovering the extent of how society ignores, belittles, and underreports the achievements and lived experiences of women.  We are not shadows of living beings; we are living, too.  I say society in this reference in speaking specifically to American society however there are many teachings that shows us women compared to men are often given less notice.

I write to you all today to tell you I will write my book.  I will write it regardless of whether it gets published.  I will write it because there will never be another moment in time that mirrors this experience.  I will write it because there are numerous others who could gain something from this type of storytelling.  I will write because a song I heard recently made me think of this experience and the amount of emotional connection I have to that point in my life.

I will not forgo a personal achievement because another human being has such set opinions against writing war memoirs.

If you’re wondering about that song, below are the lyrics:

“Every Little Thing” (Sung by Carly Pearce)

The scent that you left on my pillow
The sound of your heart beating with mine
The look in your eyes like a window
The taste of your kiss soaked in wine

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing

Guess you forgot what you told me
Because you left my heart on the floor
Baby, your ghost still haunts me
But I don’t want to sleep with him no more

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing

They say time is the only healer
God, I hope that isn’t right
Cause right now I’d die to not remember

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Every little thing
I remember every little thing
I’m haunted by the memories of
Every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Every little thing

Tattoo Reveal

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One of the photographs that served as an original inspiration for my tattoo

The day has come…I am very proud to reveal to you all my tattoo.  This personal journey was worth the wait and more importantly, the money.  Tattooing is not a cheap gift to one’s self.  I am very thankful Justin Nordine from The Raw Canvas in Grand Junction, Colorado is only a short flight away because I absolutely love his style and know already that I will be commissioning another piece with him down the road.

When I initially provided a deposit, I had in mind a negative space tattoo which in some way incorporated ‘freedom’ written in Arabic.  I knew with my year timeframe to fruition I could hone the desired result and certainly events over the past year changed my opinion about how I saw this piece and how I saw my body.  There’s a lot to say about my experiences during OIF 2-2 and because I am no longer in the Marine Corps, I am not limited to placement or size of a tattoo to stay within regulations.  I did not know when this journey started what the finished product would look like although I did know I was finally ready to commemorate my military service.

The images I provided Justin as we got closer to my appointment included:

  • A photograph of the Euphrates River (to emphasis an important blue to include in the color work);
  • A photograph of the 1st Marine Division logo (again to emphasis an important blue);
  • A door located on Camp Blue Diamond (for the scrollwork);
  • A photograph of Peruvian lilies (the meaning of these flowers are friendship and devotion); and
  • I discussed the dual names attributed to the second assault into Fallujah (in lieu of an additional photograph).

I didn’t realize how much I was asking of Justin when I provided these images but during our phone consultation we touched base on making a new memory.  He reminded me I am commissioning a piece of art.  I had been putting so much pressure on finding the right way to speak to the complicated nature of the deployment and he reminded me quite gently that I knew what the tattoo meant and if a concrete representation was important that he might not be the artist for me.  I think his willingness to have this conversation so I was happy with the final product is very important and because his talent truly speaks for itself I made the decision the tattoo did not need to convey all these things.  This opportunity was the first time I allowed someone so much control over something I would carry with me for the rest of my life and I am happy with this adventure.

After providing additional images to Justin for review, I waited until our meeting to see his creation.  Originally, we discussed doing an upper arm piece and he crafted a sprig of black sketched lilies capped by a geometric pointillism design which pays tribute to my appreciation for Islamic architecture.  Behind the flowers, a beautiful wash of colors included green, blue, rose pink, and orange.  The orange, by far, is the color that fascinated me the most.  It was so unexpected.  Since he had layered images of the sketched flowers and the pointillism separately I was able to see how the design could be easily altered to fit my forearm which didn’t need a cap like the shoulder.

I do have a tendency to carry extra weight in my upper arms (which I never noticed until I was pregnant with my daughter!) and was a bit worried if I don’t always maintain my upper body physical fitness consistently, my tattoo might not look the way I want it to look over time.  However, my forearms always look pretty nice even if I don’t hit up the gym regularly and I was very happy to see how the flowers complimented my body structure.  He was right that by having the piece of my upper arm I could control who saw it but by having it on my forearm it is available for public display; this decision is not a light one to make depending on who you are and the industry you work in or may choose to consider for professional opportunities.  For me, I am past that stage in my life.  I wanted my tattoo to be a highly visible work of art I see and share daily with others.

My journey is unique and I am grateful for Justin’s ability to give me a beautiful way to honor that experience.

watercolor-tattoo

 

 

 

Don’t Write A Book About It: Drawing A Fine Line Outside the Sandbox

I am on a mission to help my instructor find a new book for her class on women warriors.  I’ve previously discussed with all you my great frustration over Helen Benedict’s The Lonely Soldier and I’ve verbally expressed my interest in finding a new book to balance out the conversation of women in the military for this class.  Collectively, we’ve agreed this book was one end of the conversation spectrum and the other was filled by Jessica Scott who speaks from her personal experiences as a soldier and a mother.

Below are some books I’ve identified on Amazon:

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I wish the person who wrote the blurb below paid more attention to the fact it’s ‘desert’ not dessert.

And I’m a bit irritated when the word ‘naive’ is thrown around to describe service members.  We’re all a little naive walking through life at one point or another, however this obnoxious word creeps into the portrayal of women too much for my liking.

I think I need a bumper sticker that reads:

No one made you join.  [Statement is as applicable for men as it is for women.]

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I’ve only sifted through titles so far but I’m rather nervous I won’t find something I find appropriate for this class.  I am not a subject matter expert on the war in Iraq (and I have no experience in Afghanistan) but I made the statement today I may need to suck it up and write a book.  [Professional…I know.]

Years ago, I was told not to write a book about my experiences.  I’m still a little angry that my coworker thought it was his place to say such a thing to me. However, with some of the above representations (and I’d say equally the same for books about Post-9/11 male service members) I can acknowledge the frustration of persons capitalizing on their experiences, good and bad.  We live in a generation sucking up their 15 minutes of fame in practically every media format out there.  It doesn’t seem to matter either if that attention is positive or negative either.

If I take these footsteps forward, they will not be to reinforce the 21-year-old I was when I came home, the girl who loved to say “This one time in Iraq” which resulted in my peers mimicking my voice and joy in their wry humor.

More so, I’d like to showcase the 31-year-old I am trying to understand the transformative process of becoming a Marine, picking up a journey of a deceased ex-boyfriend, in a society that still questions the roles and contributions of female service members.

The information below is a good tipping point to this future conversation.  It’s pre-9/11 but  irks me by the name and premise.

~C

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