Before we begin today, let’s take a moment to acknowledge holidays can be difficult for a variety of reasons and for many around the world that struggle with eating disorders (past or current), body dysmorphia, discomfort with their size (feeling they are too big or too small) this time of year can be more challenging than it needs to be. As we sit around our own tables or gather with friends or family, let’s remind ourselves we should not be commenting about someone’s choice to eat or abstain from eating certain dishes or drinks. If someone wants a single serving or seconds, that’s their decision. No one should be chided to “walk off” their dinner or earn a slice of dessert either. (I personally like a nice walk after a Thanksgiving meal, but it has more to do with the fact it’s finally cooling down here in Arizona instead of feeling like the inside of an oven.)
Holidays started to be a struggle for me a few years ago when I learned the hard way I had developed lactose intolerance. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, it often felt like there wasn’t something that wasn’t full of butter, heavy cream, milk, or half and half. I started to dread the holidays, because I’d have to carefully consider what amount of dairy I could tolerate based upon taking Lactaid. I often found Lactaid worked well enough when a meal or snack was simple and only had one dairy source. It didn’t work at all for anything that still had lactose as an added ingredient, so I had to give up a lot of my favorite childhood mass produced chocolate candies like M & M’s. My husband discovered a better lactase enzyme tablet from a company called LactoJoy. It’s great for days where I don’t know if a meal will have a variety of dairy products in it although I am still hesitant to ever try M&M’s again. LactoJoy makes me less anxious about holiday meals, but I still work a little to reduce my dairy consumption around the holidays.
Having a holiday meal where it’s just my husband, daughter, and I is an easy way to find balance. Not that it’s always the case, but I do breathe a little easier when I have full control over the menu. This year we’re enjoying chipotle braised beef cheeks (from Olive magazine’s recipe that uses ox cheeks) over mashed potatoes and celeriac using lactose free milk and ghee and some cornbread muffins (my goal is to pick up Abe’s mini cornbread muffins, which are vegan). For this year, all the regular dairy comes from my dessert selections: a Maine Pie Co. gluten free pecan pie and homemade spiced apple cider ice cream using Yes to Yolks’ recipe. Our super easy Thanksgiving meal and dessert wasn’t really focused on paring back on the number of food dishes to avoid dairy this year so much as it was a way to avoid a lot of food prep that is difficult for me right now. (I made the ice cream last weekend to spread out the labor.) I am still working through a number of medical tests to determine if I am correct and this is an autoimmune disorder I am struggling with for any newcomers to my blog.
This has been a year of appreciating snacks and special treats. I thought about sharing some photos of great meals I’ve enjoyed out at local restaurants, but I think the simplicity of snacks cannot be overstated this year. Going out to a restaurant is work (certainly not something I thought I’d every say!). It’s work on a relatively healthy day to get ready, wait for a table, and wait even more for appetizers, meals, or drinks to be delivered; and it’s more work to go out on days where my pain level is worse and restaurants are colder than expected, there’s no seating available during our wait for a table, and I’m stuck standing around outside in the sun as my skin has become more photosensitive.
I know we all have our favorite snacks. As a huge fan of Oreos, I will tell you we currently have packages of regular Oreos, apple pie Oreos, and blueberry pie Oreos on hand. I can eat Oreos any time of day, but there’s been some other fun stuff I’ve come across the past several months.
Either of these elevates a cup of black coffee in the morning, but the kithul syrup’s smokey flavor is a nice touch for fall.Certified vegan chocolate….and expensive for a chocolate bar, but it’s pretty tasty. It’s normally $7 a bar if you don’t find it on sale. It’s not an every week kind of purchase.Halloween has a special place in my heart. The moment I saw these chips (aka crisps) I knew I was buying them solely for the novelty color. I already love this brand of chip; the chips are a bit crispier than Pringles and as a food texture person, crunchy snacks make me happy.If you need a savory snack, this one is perfect. We had a few slices of chorizo on Ritz crackers topped with homemade pimento cheese. I won’t call it “girl dinner,” because it irritates me that we label snack dinners grown women eat as “girl dinner.” This was our low effort dinner during one busy weekday evening.I popped into this hotel bar for a little daytime date adventure with my husband. We both love a good Manhattan. Honestly, if I had been more hydrated and had eaten a proper breakfast beforehand, I would have finished my $20 barrel aged Manhattan. (So sad drinks have gotten this pricey.) The resort is already decked out for Christmas with glitzy trees, prepping for an ice skating rink, and bringing in/manufacturing snow for tubing. I do enjoy seeing all the holiday decor without having to maintain it myself.
I need to make something similar at home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas but using rye whiskey.
That’s all for today. I hope as we get closer to the end of the year everyone stays safe and is relatively happy. It’s been a crazy year across the globe and we could all use a few more moments in our lives where we are more neighborly towards each other. Open the door for someone in need. Maybe ask someone what book they’re currently enjoying. Offer to share a favorite recipe (it doesn’t need to be a family recipe, by the way!). Just be a good person and let good come back to you, too.
As the government shutdown in the United States continues, I wanted to take a few minutes and share a bit more about my healthcare journey this year. I am sitting on more privilege that other American peers. For all my health problems since March of last year, I haven’t born an unreasonable amount of health costs. I have my primary insurance and secondary insurance through the Department of Veterans Affairs. It’s the access to the second insurance that has made a difference in being able to seek medical care to the extent I’ve needed in my quest to understand the underlying condition causing my joint pain, nerve pain, lack of physical endurance–all of it.
Before digging into some financials, I want to say, I still have no answers on the cause but the evidence is continuing to point to an auto immune disorder. Earlier this month, I had some additional testing to rule out monoclonal gammopathy of undetermined significance (MGUS) that can develop into multiple myeloma. The bloodwork came back with no evidence of monoclonoal gammopathy and the hematologist also ran an Erythropoietin test for me since there is a blood disorder/cancer called polycythemia vera that has a lot of similarities to the symptoms I’m experiencing. (She had no concerns with the results that came back.) The abnormalities that we are seeing on repeated tests are elevated immunoglobulin M (IgM) levels, which can be evidence of a recent infection (which I haven’t noticed) and autoimmune disorders. The difficult thing for me is other than one positive ANA (Antinuclear Antibody) test, all the other tests that look for autoimmune conditions are negative including the ones that look for specific markers of lupus. This last time she ran an Anti-Nuclear Ab, IgG ELISA test instead of the ANA due to it being more sensitive and the results came back ‘none detected.’
After this last round of testing, I did inform the hematologist, I want to test out a theory of mine. I want to treat my next round of bloodwork in a similar fashion to a cardio stress test. I’ve been reducing my physical activity and have had less exposure to cold environments, which help manage my symptoms and I think that’s part of why my tests are inconclusive. I think if my second-to-last primary hadn’t been such a barrier to seeing a rheumatologist earlier, I would have had bloodwork that shows a true reflection of the inflammation when I hadn’t yet figured out how to manage my symptoms. To try and trigger a response is not something I’d recommend someone else pursue; I don’t know what damage this might do to my body, but I feel it’s one of my last options available to me to get the tests to show what body processes are malfunctioning when I try to live a more able-bodied average person existence (cooking more, doing more chores, exercising maybe an hour a handful of days in the week).
I hadn’t thought about how much of my health challenges I would share earlier this year and then I realized for someone with similar problems, it helps to hear from a kindred spirit running a gauntlet of tests for answers. From very basic research, it’s not uncommon for someone with autoimmune issues to go months or years until a diagnosis is made. (I’m hoping we’re not at the years plural part for me, but I’m already past the one year mark now.) So let’s shift to talk about how expensive all these things are.
Again, not expensive for me due to my particular situation, but this could be an absolute nightmare for someone else. When you sit and look at the battle of the government shutdown, affordable access to healthcare is not a small matter. And I will also say the pending lack of SNAP benefits for many of my fellow Americans IS ALSO not a small matter. And federal workers going without pay IS ALSO not a small matter. I know far too many individuals impacted by the government shutdown currently and it’s hard not be able to assist everyone without also putting my own fiscal security at risk.
Rather than let the conversation run away from us, let’s focus on the charges for some of these medical visits and tests.
Sometime before mid June, my health care costs already hit my family deductible ($3,300). Due to my decision last year to make use of my VA healthcare benefits in tandem with my outside medical coverage, I haven’t had an out-of-pocket expense. I was hesitant to switch care providers, but I went to a non-VA emergency room years ago and paid $200 out-of-pocket to be seen and saw what they charged my insurance company. I knew if my health worsened (and it has!) I’d get to the point where my medical care costs would be unsustainable and I’d potentially have to avoid seeking medical care. Letting medical problems fester is not the solution.
So I hit the deductible before June 15, 2025. ($3,300).
In August 2025, a visit to a neurologist resulted in a $401.08 charge.
A visit for bloodwork in late August had two separate billings: $660.05 and $456.36.
Bloodwork in September (a total of 13 line items) was billed for $2,477.00.
A Veterans Affairs Community Care neurology visit (meaning I saw a provider outside the VA) in September where I was only seen for 6 minutes–six freaking minutes–resulted in a bill for $307.55.
I needed that visit to request a skin punch biopsy, one of the tests to help diagnose a potential “lupus cousin” autoimmune disorder.
My October bloodwork (11 individual line items) ran up the largest amount billed in the amount of $2,937.00.
The physician services portion of that same visit ran in at $359.00.
Dear readers, that comes out to $10,898.04 of medical expenses and no answers.
I cannot receive any form of targeted treatment until we’ve determined what’s broken.
I am blessed that I don’t have to find a way to pay this, but many of my fellow Americans have that problem. That have zero answers and nothing but bills for their time. They are drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. Their plight for affordable health care is different from someone who rarely, if ever, needs medical care and who looks down on those with frequent doctors visits. Your neighbors aren’t a drain on the system; most are trying to lead better, healthier lives and if their health isn’t improving, they’re trying to have a comfortable existence until they pass away. Have some compassion. Anyone can have their lives turned upside by a medical problem.
A recent photo of me. You wouldn’t be able to tell how crazy my health has been this past year.
Just over a month has past since I left my position with the Department of Veterans Affairs, and I’m liking my newfound settings. I was a presenter today for my new organization, not adding a whole lot to the overall day’s activity with the one PowerPoint presentation, but I was honestly surprised just how many questions were generated off my suggestions.
I carried a lot of doubt with me into my new position. It’s hard not to–I served veterans for the bulk of the past twelve years. As each new day gives away to another, I am starting to see it has all been quite relevant. I’ve gotten so used to laws changing every year that I look for the little tweaks that have the biggest impact. Today, I discussed with the lawyer present in the room how I didn’t have the interest or stamina to put myself into the legal field but my public work is adjacent to it and I feel I found my calling. A calling more natural to me than serving veterans. When I cared for my previous population, I often struggled to separate myself out for the situations they were in; I guess pretty normally that one veteran would want to keep another veteran from struggle. In my new role, I don’t have names and faces that I serve; I look at them as a giant group who need my respect, diligence, and patience to build a better system of tools to access benefits, understand their performance tools, and so forth.
Like my work with the VA, I will remain closed lipped on my current employer. Should we later terminate this working relationship, I will likely discuss my work with greater reflection on lessons learned, salary, and so forth.
Today’s blog entry was really a lot of sharing that I am happy and in the best paying position of my career. I’ve never earned six figures, and it’s wild, scary, and empowering. I get to see all my hard, unpaid (excluding VA education benefits) efforts in school and struggling through periods of underemployment helping me build a better legacy for my family.
Stepping out of veteran-centric spaces, I don’t know where the future of this blog will go. Maybe a name change will be in order. Maybe a new focus will reveal itself. For the time being, I will continue my quest to write monthly and be a voice of strength and encourage others to pursue their wildest (legal) dreams.
Before I close out for the day, a health update is in order.
My newest rheumatologist thinks my health problems are a lupus cousin, Sjögren’s, although I haven’t noticed the most common symptoms. She is also looking at the possibility of small fiber neuropathy. We still have work ahead of us, so right now, I am just accepting the summer heat is my best source of managing pain and choosing to not donate blood whenever blood donation opportunities come up since I don’t know if it’s safe for me or any potential individuals needing a blood donation.
Take care and I’ll try to drop in again in August.
Hello, everyone. 2024 is almost done and with the winter solstice behind us, we are settling into a new season.
This past month, like any other, has varied between highs and lows. I love fall. It is my favorite season and I anticipate it to be my favorite for the rest of my life. Seeing the world fall away from the flashiness of summer and embrace all things that feel cozy speaks to me. I’ve come to love fall more as each Arizona summer becomes more unbearable and makes me contemplate moving out of this state to seek refuge elsewhere. (Conveniently forgetting that plenty of places have unbearable snow blanketed winters instead of scorching heat in the summer.) My biggest achievement last month was setting up my family military history locker. The company I purchased from is Mustard Made. Their Twinny locker has been my favorite although plenty of other companies also produce lockers; this one cost me just over $700 with shipping, making it something worth waiting for to ensure it was 100% what I wanted (color included).
This locker houses military items that once belonged to my late father-in-law, things from my father’s service, numerous training materials my husband collected, and all the sentimental things that make up my service, including the only set of uniforms I saved (minus the cover that’s gone missing). There is one scrapbook that is not shown in the locker. I had forgotten to move over my boot camp photo album as I’ve been toiling away on my memoir and numerous journals, photos, and letters have traveled from my home office to my living room or dining room or breakfast nook to my bedroom, depending on where I was writing. I have never established a designated space devoted to writing, but as a quick aside, if you wonder about authors’ writing spaces please read Rooms of Their Own: Where Great Writers Write by Alex Johnson.
I don’t collect military memorabilia, but I realized I do take pride in keeping some things that have become souvenirs. The Marine Corps, like any service branch, is always changing. It might change at a slower pace than our sister service branches, but I love to see how the service and I have changed over time. Challenge coins and foreign currency I picked up in Qatar and Iraq are housed here with the paper coins my service branch used in our post exchanges (PX’s) versus taking on the more expensive endeavor of bringing actual American coins overseas. My journal entries show that I struggled a lot emotionally with my time in service; I went from being thrilled to join, eager to serve in Iraq, frustrated with expectations, and ultimately, unwilling to continue on the path of feeling like I had to constantly do more to show I earned my place at the table. I say these things because not everyone’s service feels this way. It is ok to love and despise military discipline. I felt like there’s a lot about being a person that gets lost in the duty to country and if my voice was heard more, maybe I would have considered staying in for at least a second enlistment.
Leaving the Marine Corps opened other doors and I don’t want those doors to be considered lesser options, because challenges await us all whether it’s in-service, post-service, or we’ve never served a day in our nation’s military. I used my education benefits to offset the cost of four college degrees, two VA home loans in my name, VA health care (only more recently), and receive VA disability compensation based on health issues tied to my time in the Marine Corps. My life has been transformed, positively and negatively, from service and I continue to reflect on how serving in the Marine Corps shaped my life and the stories I tell my daughter who will one day only have stories about me to share with her children (should she choose to have them). The challenges this past month have centered on health issues and I was originally hesitant to share anything after UnitedHealthcare CEO, Brian Thompson, was killed December 4th. There were enough stories coming from others who have been frustrated with their ability to utilize healthcare and at a reasonable cost. There are stories worst than mine and I stayed out of the fray, allowing others to vent, including their worst thoughts about the loss of a man whose total compensation last year was $10.2 million made it hard for the average American to emphasize. His death, a tragedy of its own, was no less tragic than the many Americans whose lives are negatively impacted, to include their own deaths, based upon the myriad of challenges plaguing our healthcare system and the insurance companies who decided what services are warranted, to what extent will be paid, and when services can be accessed.
I am not the first to admit our country is terrible as far as healthcare access is concerned. I wish that was not the case. We’re a wealthy nation that does far too much to conserve wealth for those at the top at the expense of those at the bottom. Our country deserves to have a healthcare system that leans more towards a universal health care system. Perhaps one day we’ll get closer to that objective as more and more Americans are disgusted with the status quo and what that means for those living with chronic diseases and their family members that have perished due to unnecessary challenges associated with getting referrals and paying for care.
Developing edema last year and seeing the expenses related to that ER visit played a role in using private health care as little as possible. The timing of the visit made it less terrible than it could have been. I paid $200 or so out-of-pocket that evening and later saw that the total visit was about $5,000 sent to my healthcare company. We’d met our deductible, so things were ok financially but not all families are so lucky, especially if their medical needs have higher regular costs to manage them. My problems pale in comparison to theirs. The edema is a consistent issue and varies by day, but throughout the year, I developed nerve issues that started in my feet, moved up my leg, and after switching my exercise routine to pilates to manage my leg issues, I soon started exercising nerve issues in both arms. Since nerve issues are one of those invisible health conditions that are hard to demonstrate, I wanted to share with you all the swelling and redness that developed in my hands over the past few months.
Sudden redness after putting on sweaterAlmost instant reduction in redness after removing sweater
My health care journey has included blood work and starting hand occupational therapy (OT) to manage my upper body concerns. Over the next month, I will begin working with physical therapy and have asked to start with my lower body extremities. About mid-November, I developed a fire-like nerve pain in my right upper thigh and daily, it still develops an uncomfortable warmth and sensitivity to fabrics. I cannot access a referral to rheumatology or cardiology (based on my exercise intolerance) until we’ve navigated lesser care options at the Veterans Health Administration. The OT is lessening the severity of the upper body nerve pain, but it is not completely gone nor has it alleviated the swelling, stiffness, and redness that develops in my palms. I started taking ibuprofen on my own to address my concerns although I did ask my provider to consider whether my combination of symptoms might represent lupus. (I am grateful for others in the medical care community who tell me to be my own advocate, which is why I brought up this concern.)
My symptoms more closely match lupus more than anything I’ve been able to find on my own.
hair loss/excess shedding (this past year)
reduced exercise tolerance
hand stiffness with swelling
hand redness
nerve issues (all extremities)
possible brain fog (I say possible because I am constantly learning new things at work and cannot determine if it’s a struggle to learn new things and balance the busyness of this season or if something else is at play)
possible weight loss connection (I’ve lost 11 pounds this year I thought might only be tied to a prescribed low sodium diet but now I wonder if this might be a lupus symptom, too.)
Based on my challenges that have worsened since September, I’ve adjusted my home life a lot. (Thankfully, my supervisor and work mentor are great supports, so all I’ve done there is taken more sick leave to attend to my appointments.) My family is helping more when my issues make prepping meals, opening jars, or grabbing groceries more difficult. My exercise routine centers more on walks. I don’t run and I haven’t picked up pilates again as reducing my heart rate during exercise seems to positively reduce the amount of daily nerve pain. I am sticking to lighter weight routines and taking more time in-between sets to address my heart rate and prevent more exhaustion. Cooking is a space I am navigating carefully and trying to not feel frustrated that some meals are too complicated to make right now without more help.
I picked up Food 52’s Big Little Recipes by Emma Laperruque from the public library and the pared back recipes have been a blessing. This week I will make the smash-fried potato salad with sweet pickles and red onion, pork meatloaf with cabbage slaw, and asparagus and cashews with green polenta. Here is one of the previous recipes I made. I could not fit everything into the cast iron skillet I have. Instead, I had to spoon some of the schmaltz into a measuring cup and add it to a second skillet to roast the radishes. My store did not have radishes with greens still attached, so the results varied. I would recommend if you’re in the same boat you can pair with a green salad.
With the year ending so soon, I want to extend good wishes and lots of blessings for you and yours this season. Stay humble! 2024 may have been wonderful all around or hit you terribly hard. I don’t see what you’ve achieved or the pain you’ve endured, but my heart asks that you keep your chin up and reflect on your current situation. Don’t let pain let you sink further and don’t let your achievements stall you from becoming the best version of yourself. You can be an inspiration on both spectrums, but you need to take care of yourself first before you can give space for others who would benefit from your influence.
Most people outside my family don’t know that I was born premature and medical staff told my mother that I wasn’t going to make it. This woman who already had a one year old child at home. A young mother, she was not content to believe these individuals whose educational experience I still cannot compete with in spite of holding two graduate degrees. She was stubborn. She refused to believe them and relied on the love and prayers of many to see me through. Medical technology for preemies wasn’t as great in the 80’s as it is today, so what was at their disposal and the people who loved me and so many I’ll never meet who prayed for me got me through those difficult early days.
And when I say difficult, I’m talking three months premature. Oh yeah, and this was a twin pregnancy for my mother. I came into this world a tiny little thing. 2 pounds, 4 ounces.
How my mom could look at me in such fragile state and believe all would be ok in this world floors me. My husband and I greeted our own daughter years ago with the news she would be born with a limb difference and I remember being so anxious during that pregnancy and scared of all the things this world might rob her of being due to her limb difference. But I wasn’t scared she wouldn’t survive. She was a healthy 6 pounds, 6 ounces. My mom could have been one of those mothers planning a funeral for her baby.
And around the world, so many mothers have been doing just that years and years over. On top of the wars in Ukraine and Gaza, this January mothers of three soldiers lost their babies in Jordan when their base was attacked and earlier this month, moms of five Marines lost their kids when these young men died in their helicopter crash in California. Their deaths are something that struck right at my heart, having handled the activity reports for 1st Marine Division during my first Iraq tour. Their lost lives continue to encourage me to appreciate everyone who fought to keep me alive as a baby, something I cared little about when I was at rock bottom coming home from that first tour.
This situation is in part why I went to the Department of Veterans Affairs for health care for the first time recently. (The other part being that private health insurance is getting out of hand and I feel that my primary doctor might not be best suited to connecting all my health problems to service experiences.) I’ve struggled for the past year with edema. For my regular readers, I know, another health issue. My body is in a weird IDGAF stage. They just keep coming. I went to the ER last April after I gained 9 pounds in two days from fluid retention. From the 5 hours I was there, a series of tests didn’t reveal much except for an abnormally high B-Type Natriuretic Peptide in my blood work. Since this issue can indicate I am at more risk for heart failure, I appreciate that my local VA team is taking the matter seriously.
I’ve been trying to take care of the edema on my own, without going back to my non-VA primary medical provider this past year. That ER visit alone was pretty pricey and I was fortunate most of it was covered by insurance. It wouldn’t be financially feasible to have my regular insurance cover what the VA is doing to investigate the source of my edema. My vitals were taken and we did an EKG during the same visit, without delay. Both individuals asked me about my symptoms and the challenges the edema is creating in my life. I did not want to admit to anyone earlier that I can barely work out currently. I used to work out around an hour to two hours a day either lifting weights and/or jogging around my neighborhood. Now, I struggle if I walk too much in a day. Running is out of the question right now. If I walk too quickly, even a mile long walk brings on edema that lasts most of the day. I even alternate sitting and standing to bring some relief. I’ve switched to 20-30 minute at-home yoga sessions and plan to continue with these videos, even if I find one day coming up I can add running and weights back to my routine. Our daughter joins me as I work through Yoga With Adriene videos. Her companionship makes me feel a little less sad that I cannot workout as hard as I was prior to developing edema. The situation though is not a standalone matter.
When I visited the other day, we covered some of the introductory things, not just the edema. I felt it was imperative to discuss with the medical provider my concern that years of PTSD physical pain, in the form of chest pains, might be weakening my heart and therefore be the connection to the abnormal peptide level. (If we discover the edema has another cause, that’s just as valuable. I just need to know what’s happening so we can treat it and life feels more normal.) We’re waiting on blood work to rule out other issues and in the next few months, I have a cardio stress test and an ultrasound of my heart scheduled to see where my heart function is standing today. The professionalism of the involved staff members is something I want to reiterate today because the VA has not always had the best reputation and I was nervous to use VA health care after it took years for my chest pains to be recognized by the Veterans Benefits Administration as service-connected. I don’t really like talking–writing is easier–to strangers about my service experiences right away, but the visit entailed a brief mental health check-in.
I had a few triggering situations a short duration ahead of my scheduled medical visit, but I would encourage other veterans to be honest about their mental health struggles. For me, there was a scene in “Band of Brothers” (The Breaking Point episode) where Joe Toye is hit by artillery and loses his leg. I was watching it with my family last weekend and it hit me so hard. We bypassed the rest of the scene. The situation brought on a panic attack and the day wasn’t helped either as we tried to unwind with a walk and I wasn’t paying attention that a neighbor was setting up model rockets for some kids. Keeping this experience in mind, I was compelled to let the provider know that I’d recently had an uptick in symptoms and that I am easily startled. We’ll tackle a mental health visit another day, but I want to focus on two other things in this conversation because suicide prevention and personal safety matter to me. I want other veterans to feel like it’s ok to talk to their providers about similar (or worse) things they’ve experienced to ensure they receive appropriate care.
It was a lot to admit to the VA that I contemplated suicide in 2005 after serving in Iraq and that during the tour, my supervisor touched base with me about a male Marine who had made threats against my person. I recognize to avoid feeling suicidal in the future, there are certain ways I control my environment to feel safe. Sometimes, it has an impact of friends and family around me, but often times, it’s more an inconvenience rather than projecting my pain upon them. A big thing that helps is controlling my alcohol intake. I am happy to admit that it’s been years since I’ve drank a kamikaze. That was the drink I’d indulge in to numb my pain. Abusing alcohol is something that I could have sought treatment for in the Marine Corps if I felt it was safe and wouldn’t fuck with my career, but as the only woman in my unit, it was something I didn’t take seriously. I am lucky it didn’t progress further, but I would encourage others to put their health and wellbeing above the mission. The service will ALWAYS find enough people to fill its billets, even if it requires moving people into temporary additional duty assignments. I am fortunate I didn’t die by my own hands. The only commitment I made to myself was making it through the worst night of my life, and I actually talked to my sister, Megan, about this when I went home in January for one of my uncle’s funerals. I made the choice to stick through my pain for her back in 2005. We had a terrible relationship growing up and I didn’t want that to be a memory for her. She was my lifeline well before I admitted it to her. It’s not something I want to talk about today–that pain still hurts–but I love the space she’s given us to be closer as adults. The second issue–military sexual trauma adjacent or directly, depending on who you speak to–is not something I’ve ever talked to a doctor about. I’ve never understood how to approach it. I was unsure how to take speaking to my supervisor, my mentor and a pseudo father figure on deployment, about someone who abused my trust. When I discovered he made threats against me, I wasn’t sure what that meant for my safety when I would eventually return stateside. (I don’t have the full details, so I decided to say fuck it and put in a FOIA request to see if the Marine Corps would have a record I could access. The likelihood of ever working with or encountering said person again is highly unlikely, but I might as well arm myself with knowledge just in case.)
I had enough going on in my life with my grandmother’s declining health to fully address how to cope with the situation that another Marine might pose a threat to my health and wellbeing. And, now years later, it probably had a huge impact on my friendships and the addictive relationship I had with my partner at the time. I accepted a lot of red flag behaviors that were offset by the fact I knew we were both war fighters. He could physically protect me as I could protect me. It wasn’t until I returned home when I had to turn my rifle into the armory and my flak and helmet to CIF (Consolidate Issue Facility) that I was more vulnerable in a physical and an emotional way.
I never once asked my command why the problematic person was gone when I returned. People leave units all the time and I didn’t put two and two together, but I notice how the risk to me put me on guard with others in my life. Did it play a role in my alcohol abuse? I don’t know that I could distinguish that situation separately from other events in Iraq. It does make me concerned about the people our daughter might one day encounter and/or date. As a nation, I think we’ve accepted poor behavior on the part of men as the norm and we still have a long way to ensure that men don’t resort to violence, threats (of any kind), and disparaging women to make themselves look better in comparison to other men. I’ve communicated to my husband what boundaries I’ve developed from this situation. It hasn’t stopped me from maintaining a longterm relationship, but it took a long time to see that what I went through does, in fact, fall under the umbrella of military sexual trauma. When I previously discussed my military experiences with a professor at Arizona State University, I wasn’t originally willing to believe it fell under that designation because it wasn’t sexual assault or what we recognize sexual harassment to look like.
I don’t want to end today on a sad note. It’s exciting to be turning 40 tomorrow.
I took today and tomorrow off, resulting in a fantastic 4-day weekend chock full of fun adventures and lots of relaxing. I will treat myself to a Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bar inspired birthday cake with a side of Tillamook strawberry ice cream. My birthday cocktail will be a strawberry tequila sour. We have dinner plans Saturday and another event, centered on our daughter, for Sunday. My actual birthday gift is an experience I’ll get to enjoy in April. I will probably share more about it after the event. And I wanted to give an update on our 2024 financial goals.
Get promoted at work. (Feb. 29th: Still working on getting promoted.)
Sell 2nd house. (Feb. 29th: We’re still considering this, but it is contingent on what the promotion looks like and where the promotion opportunities are located.)
Order new passports. (Feb. 29th: Ordered and in processing. We spent $160 each for the adult passport and passport cards. Our daughter will be 14 this year, so her passport renewal and passport card costs us $115.)
Travel: 1 big trip. (We have zero idea where we want to go. Haha.)
Travel: 3 staycations (Feb. 29th: We have one staycation planned; the other two are still TBD.)
Enjoy all the days you’re given. Life is short. Have fun and show up for yourself.
She Wears Dogtags 