Last month I forgot to check in with you all—my sincerest apologies might not mean much as I’m a stranger to most of you all, but I try to keep my “appointments” with you. A friend date of sorts is how I’ve tried to start treating my writing check-ins.
For those who have also kept up with checking in, you’ve seen me struggle with how the Trump Administration has treated federal employees. The stress since he returned to office runs the spectrum: some people barely notice him and others have had their jobs ripped away from them. Adding to the situation is the complicated feelings within families regarding values. My heart truly goes out to my fellow federal employees who lost their positions only to face the insult of family members cheering on this slash and burn approach to reducing the federal government. Many within the federal government would also tell you there are more efficient ways to do things, but cutting jobs before assessing what they actually contribute to public safety and services puts the public at risk that negates whatever reduction in spending resulted from it.
I was also stunned that the message was “reduce federal government spending” while rolling out the Deferred Resignation Program. These two short-term objectives are directly in opposition to each other and then the mixed messaging associated with DRP added other challenges as agencies sorted out what roles qualified—a kind of reverse sorting hat than the one in the Harry Potter films and books. Instead of asking ourselves what traits suit someone to a particular house (or job), the agencies have had to ask themselves in whittling down their forces per the Reduction in Force guidelines thrust at them what jobs are more valuable to the mission and what has the appearance of redundancy. I won’t say what jobs are redundant, because as our society has grown it was wholly necessary to increase the federal workforce to provide more services and more timely services.
I had a great local team in my current role who have helped enable me to keep my position while navigating my current health challenges. My supervisors never stood in my way of the medical appointments I needed and I had the open door policy to ask any myriad of questions to be better at my job. With choosing to leave, I feel it’s safe to open up about the type of work and why I’m leaving.
For just over two years, I’ve made the Department of Veterans Affairs my home and just last year I became a Rating Veterans Service Representative (RVSR). I would review claims for disability compensation, and I loved a lot of what I was tasked with to serve our nation’s veterans. This is the job I started chasing down years ago. I thought critically about what I’m leaving behind: a supportive coach and assistant coach, coworkers and friends I care about, and a meaningful mission.
So what happened?!
The return to office order added challenges to my quality of life. Although I am continuing a workup for lupus, I have the mental energy to keep working. What I needed was a reasonable accommodation to telework under my old arrangement because the cold of the office environment and extra physical activity increase the severity and frequency of body pain I’m dealing with currently. We occupy GSA-leased buildings and are prohibited from using space heaters at work. We also have limited parking, so the employee parking lot was limited to more senior employees based on service computation date. I found an alternate parking arrangement, but it does mean more physical activity that worsens my symptoms.
I started the reasonable accommodation process back in late February and when it was still lingering close to the return to office date, I even asked for an interim RA at the start of May. The request was still lingering when I inquired about it last week.
I am fortunate my coach and assistant coach were willing to hear me out on my frustrations and understand why I am leaving. The hope is my complaint and departure lights a fire for positive change.
I am working through the background check for a new hybrid position that has employee parking on site that should allow me to better manage my symptoms, allowing me to retain employment on par with my education and career background. For now though, I am working on getting my home and wardrobe in order for the new position and trying to relax a little amid this originally unplanned career departure.
Being a few days ahead of Christmas, I wanted to catch up with you all before things get too busy and I completely forget to post for the month of December. I’ve spent a few weeks trying to decide what to share. This year has been a pretty big one for my family, both immediate and extended. For the first time, my family took a weeklong vacation; let me focus on that for a second. FOR.THE.FIRST.TIME. In a country where we both have paid leave time, it’s felt almost impossible to make this happen over the past few years. It’s not that we haven’t traveled, but we haven’t managed a trip that lasted seven calendar days. Not everyone would want their first weeklong vacation to be in Kentucky; they might choose Hawaii, somewhere in the Caribbean, or spend all those days ensconced in the glory of Disneyworld. I wasn’t saddened for our first long trip 1) wasn’t somewhere warm, 2)was away from the ocean, and 3) kept us stateside. We caught up with a Marine friend of ours and his family and it felt like going home. The hardest part of the trip was not being prepared for the sudden, first cold spell of the year. Once again, we did not bring enough cold weather clothes. Moving on…
As it goes for my extended family and our family relations, we lost two members on my mother’s side of the family. An aunt by marriage and a biological uncle passed away. Both were sudden news to my siblings and I. I guess part of that all comes with age; we all have our own routines and some of us live out-of-state, but there’s also the part of me that sees these deaths dug up a lot of buried feelings. We felt like we were reliving our mother’s loss because she didn’t want us to know she was dying and we had similar circumstances for these two loved ones. It takes a moment to shirk off the feeling that you do not feel a part of the familial group because you were left in the dark. I see us recovering, and I know we’re not alone in experiencing grief this year. Many in my family joked about how someone else would have to take up my uncle’s habit of eating all the deviled eggs at Thanksgiving and I know my Facebook has looked a lot different this year without seeing the positive posts my Aunt would share to bring joy to our small world. The last time I was back home was in 2019 and I don’t know when we’ll be back for the holidays there, so it will take a moment to soak in how different life is once we are all under one roof again.
Being in our small trio here (plus the dog), Christmas preparations were pared back this year. In part, we’ve still considered the possibility of moving and on the other hand, it was nice to just have less work on our hands. Our vacation checked the box for rest and relaxation needs and I like having that feeling extended further into the year. We bought a few little things from Trader Joe’s: a tabletop Christmas tree, live green garland, mistletoe, cedar scented balsam pinecones (which I put into empty vases and oversized candle holders) and a door arrangement to replace the bell ornament wreath we normally put out front. This year, we put the latter up over our dog’s oversized dog door; he might not appreciate it, but I love seeing it when we come home from errands or a night out. From our decor collection already on hand, I set out only a few things. I want to mention specifically my two origami cranes (gifts from a friend in Cody, WY and they honor the experiences of Japanese Americans who lived in internment camps in the United States during WWII). I never visited the Heart Mountain Relocation Center, but her small gift still resonates with me today. I’ve had these about 11 years now and I do think it would be worth it to get them professionally mounted so I can leave them out year round rather than just as a sign of peace and goodwill at Christmas. From our ornament collection, I only pulled out the Hallmark snowman my husband’s grandmother has purchased for us over the years. Sadly, we’ve had a few ornaments go MIA so not all years are represented. Lastly, I put out a few plaid Christmas trees from Target (which are on our last year with us) and a metal string light desktop tree (another Target find). I stopped myself from buying some cute wooden ornaments from Target, knowing that to do so was self-defeating if my goal was to keep our prep and takedown simple this year. And speaking of simple, we aren’t the type of family that goes nuts playing Christmas music and watching every Christmas movie under the sun.
There are very few Christmas songs that I like; I know that makes me sound like a Grinch, but all those traditional songs I listened to in the ’90’s are why. If I want something that speaks more of traditional Christmas sounds, I will gravitate to Frank Sinatra. When we lived in California, there was a coffee shop next to the movie theater in Oceanside that would play his music around the holidays and I love those memories. These are the songs I have on my Apple Music playlist:
One More Sleep (Leona Lewis)
Homesick (Dua Lipa)
Yule Shoot Your Eye Out (Fall Out Boy)
Present Without a Bow (Kacey Musgraves)
Coming Home to You (American Authors)
Snow (Alex G.)
The Christmas Song (Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello)
Christmas Tree Farm (Taylor Swift)
Christmas Saves The Year (twenty one pilots)
Cozy Little Christmas (Katy Perry)
Last Christmas (Ariana Grande)
For Christmas movies, there are only a few I’ve truly enjoyed. I want to start off by saying my husband is the reason I’ve seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I don’t know that I would have chosen that for myself, but I did enjoy it. There are three others that I can watch each year. The one that has been my favorite for years is The Family Stone (2005). I think a big part of my love affair with the movie is that it was the first year I was home from Iraq and after that difficult year, it was the type of lighthearted comedy my life needed at the time. I am sucker for romantic comedies anyways, but this is high up there on my list of favorite comedies. Next, I adore Noelle (2019) starring Anna Kendrick. It doesn’t matter what she’s in, I will watch it. She is one of my favorite female comedic actresses, but her range of skills surprised me when I saw her in A Simple Favor (2018). If you want a little bit of a tearjerker moment for your holidays, I’d recommend Last Christmas (2019) starring Emilia Clarke. There is enough humor in the film to offset the sad moments, but it is a wonderful representation that Christmas (and other holidays) can be a mixed blessing. I am still stunned to this day that Ms. Clarke has sustained two brain aneurysms in her life and if you are still looking for a charity to support, please check out her charity, SameYou, which helps support rehabilitation options for brain injury survivors.
As we look towards 2024, I have a few things to say about closing out 2023. We won’t know where the next year will take us, but for now, we know we’re not moving in 2023. This little meme about the housing market gave me a good chuckle about having to put some plans on hold. After our Louisville, KY trip, I’ve become addicted to Zillow again and scouted houses in Louisville; outside Ft. Knox, KY, and since Indiana was big on our list, I also looked at homes in New Albany, Jeffersonville, Clarksville, Floyds Knobs, and Corydon. As alternatives, for other federal jobs on our radar, we looked at homes in northern Indiana to put us close enough to Chicago without living in Chicago; parts of Maryland; parts of Hawaii; and parts of Virginia. I have a few federal job referrals locally here in Arizona, so we might just be calling this place home a bit longer.
Trying to feel more “at home” for the holidays, I have caved and done a little holiday baking. There was a three-day whiskey gingerbread recipe from Ruby Tandoh’s Eat Up! book that I made for our neighbor and ourselves. Since our daughter is 13, I opted to use orange juice in the glaze over whiskey but next time we’ll make one completely with whiskey brushed on it and the glaze and see how we all feel. I will also use less liquid in the glaze so it sets better. Most of the glaze ran off the cake and make an orange icing puddle instead.
And there is one last thing I wanted to focus on today. This is my last year in my 30’s!!! If I had stayed in the Marine Corps, this would have also been the year I retired from military service. My life is so different now from what I envisioned it would be. I still have so much I want to accomplish, but I am also grateful that I feel more settled now, too. My 20’s were such a busy time trying to power through college and raising a young child and now there is breathing room. It might not feel like it every day, but I like that I can call it a day at the end of my work shift and there’s not a mountain of other responsibilities waiting to greet me. At this time, I am still powering through the first draft of my memoir. This thing might not be released until I’m 50, but I guess late is better than never. It’s taken a lot of courage to put pen to paper and write down some lovely moments, those cringeworthy incidents, and to own up to being a shitty human being at times. I don’t have it all figured out, but at least when you get older, you feel better about saying so. In your teens and 20’s, it’s tempting to try to fit in and compete with everyone, but once you sit back and see how others are living, you see their journey isn’t your journey. Their wants and needs aren’t your dreams and basic necessities. I am sitting at around page 245 and that’s a far cry from my 2016 start of 3 pages that I later tossed because that story was one I didn’t want to tell. I want to show I survived a lot of crap in a short period of time, and it’s the people that showed up for me that helped me become the woman I became today.
Wishing you all gentle holidays. I say this because I read from someone before it’s better to wish a gentle holiday because we don’t know what others are going through. Their holidays may not be happy this year as they encounter financial hardship, their first holiday without a loved one, or they have other things going on that don’t make them feel jolly this season.
She Wears Dogtags 