Before we begin today, let’s take a moment to acknowledge holidays can be difficult for a variety of reasons and for many around the world that struggle with eating disorders (past or current), body dysmorphia, discomfort with their size (feeling they are too big or too small) this time of year can be more challenging than it needs to be. As we sit around our own tables or gather with friends or family, let’s remind ourselves we should not be commenting about someone’s choice to eat or abstain from eating certain dishes or drinks. If someone wants a single serving or seconds, that’s their decision. No one should be chided to “walk off” their dinner or earn a slice of dessert either. (I personally like a nice walk after a Thanksgiving meal, but it has more to do with the fact it’s finally cooling down here in Arizona instead of feeling like the inside of an oven.)
Holidays started to be a struggle for me a few years ago when I learned the hard way I had developed lactose intolerance. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, it often felt like there wasn’t something that wasn’t full of butter, heavy cream, milk, or half and half. I started to dread the holidays, because I’d have to carefully consider what amount of dairy I could tolerate based upon taking Lactaid. I often found Lactaid worked well enough when a meal or snack was simple and only had one dairy source. It didn’t work at all for anything that still had lactose as an added ingredient, so I had to give up a lot of my favorite childhood mass produced chocolate candies like M & M’s. My husband discovered a better lactase enzyme tablet from a company called LactoJoy. It’s great for days where I don’t know if a meal will have a variety of dairy products in it although I am still hesitant to ever try M&M’s again. LactoJoy makes me less anxious about holiday meals, but I still work a little to reduce my dairy consumption around the holidays.
Having a holiday meal where it’s just my husband, daughter, and I is an easy way to find balance. Not that it’s always the case, but I do breathe a little easier when I have full control over the menu. This year we’re enjoying chipotle braised beef cheeks (from Olive magazine’s recipe that uses ox cheeks) over mashed potatoes and celeriac using lactose free milk and ghee and some cornbread muffins (my goal is to pick up Abe’s mini cornbread muffins, which are vegan). For this year, all the regular dairy comes from my dessert selections: a Maine Pie Co. gluten free pecan pie and homemade spiced apple cider ice cream using Yes to Yolks’ recipe. Our super easy Thanksgiving meal and dessert wasn’t really focused on paring back on the number of food dishes to avoid dairy this year so much as it was a way to avoid a lot of food prep that is difficult for me right now. (I made the ice cream last weekend to spread out the labor.) I am still working through a number of medical tests to determine if I am correct and this is an autoimmune disorder I am struggling with for any newcomers to my blog.
This has been a year of appreciating snacks and special treats. I thought about sharing some photos of great meals I’ve enjoyed out at local restaurants, but I think the simplicity of snacks cannot be overstated this year. Going out to a restaurant is work (certainly not something I thought I’d every say!). It’s work on a relatively healthy day to get ready, wait for a table, and wait even more for appetizers, meals, or drinks to be delivered; and it’s more work to go out on days where my pain level is worse and restaurants are colder than expected, there’s no seating available during our wait for a table, and I’m stuck standing around outside in the sun as my skin has become more photosensitive.
I know we all have our favorite snacks. As a huge fan of Oreos, I will tell you we currently have packages of regular Oreos, apple pie Oreos, and blueberry pie Oreos on hand. I can eat Oreos any time of day, but there’s been some other fun stuff I’ve come across the past several months.
Either of these elevates a cup of black coffee in the morning, but the kithul syrup’s smokey flavor is a nice touch for fall.Certified vegan chocolate….and expensive for a chocolate bar, but it’s pretty tasty. It’s normally $7 a bar if you don’t find it on sale. It’s not an every week kind of purchase.Halloween has a special place in my heart. The moment I saw these chips (aka crisps) I knew I was buying them solely for the novelty color. I already love this brand of chip; the chips are a bit crispier than Pringles and as a food texture person, crunchy snacks make me happy.If you need a savory snack, this one is perfect. We had a few slices of chorizo on Ritz crackers topped with homemade pimento cheese. I won’t call it “girl dinner,” because it irritates me that we label snack dinners grown women eat as “girl dinner.” This was our low effort dinner during one busy weekday evening.I popped into this hotel bar for a little daytime date adventure with my husband. We both love a good Manhattan. Honestly, if I had been more hydrated and had eaten a proper breakfast beforehand, I would have finished my $20 barrel aged Manhattan. (So sad drinks have gotten this pricey.) The resort is already decked out for Christmas with glitzy trees, prepping for an ice skating rink, and bringing in/manufacturing snow for tubing. I do enjoy seeing all the holiday decor without having to maintain it myself.
I need to make something similar at home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas but using rye whiskey.
That’s all for today. I hope as we get closer to the end of the year everyone stays safe and is relatively happy. It’s been a crazy year across the globe and we could all use a few more moments in our lives where we are more neighborly towards each other. Open the door for someone in need. Maybe ask someone what book they’re currently enjoying. Offer to share a favorite recipe (it doesn’t need to be a family recipe, by the way!). Just be a good person and let good come back to you, too.
As the government shutdown in the United States continues, I wanted to take a few minutes and share a bit more about my healthcare journey this year. I am sitting on more privilege that other American peers. For all my health problems since March of last year, I haven’t born an unreasonable amount of health costs. I have my primary insurance and secondary insurance through the Department of Veterans Affairs. It’s the access to the second insurance that has made a difference in being able to seek medical care to the extent I’ve needed in my quest to understand the underlying condition causing my joint pain, nerve pain, lack of physical endurance–all of it.
Before digging into some financials, I want to say, I still have no answers on the cause but the evidence is continuing to point to an auto immune disorder. Earlier this month, I had some additional testing to rule out monoclonal gammopathy of undetermined significance (MGUS) that can develop into multiple myeloma. The bloodwork came back with no evidence of monoclonoal gammopathy and the hematologist also ran an Erythropoietin test for me since there is a blood disorder/cancer called polycythemia vera that has a lot of similarities to the symptoms I’m experiencing. (She had no concerns with the results that came back.) The abnormalities that we are seeing on repeated tests are elevated immunoglobulin M (IgM) levels, which can be evidence of a recent infection (which I haven’t noticed) and autoimmune disorders. The difficult thing for me is other than one positive ANA (Antinuclear Antibody) test, all the other tests that look for autoimmune conditions are negative including the ones that look for specific markers of lupus. This last time she ran an Anti-Nuclear Ab, IgG ELISA test instead of the ANA due to it being more sensitive and the results came back ‘none detected.’
After this last round of testing, I did inform the hematologist, I want to test out a theory of mine. I want to treat my next round of bloodwork in a similar fashion to a cardio stress test. I’ve been reducing my physical activity and have had less exposure to cold environments, which help manage my symptoms and I think that’s part of why my tests are inconclusive. I think if my second-to-last primary hadn’t been such a barrier to seeing a rheumatologist earlier, I would have had bloodwork that shows a true reflection of the inflammation when I hadn’t yet figured out how to manage my symptoms. To try and trigger a response is not something I’d recommend someone else pursue; I don’t know what damage this might do to my body, but I feel it’s one of my last options available to me to get the tests to show what body processes are malfunctioning when I try to live a more able-bodied average person existence (cooking more, doing more chores, exercising maybe an hour a handful of days in the week).
I hadn’t thought about how much of my health challenges I would share earlier this year and then I realized for someone with similar problems, it helps to hear from a kindred spirit running a gauntlet of tests for answers. From very basic research, it’s not uncommon for someone with autoimmune issues to go months or years until a diagnosis is made. (I’m hoping we’re not at the years plural part for me, but I’m already past the one year mark now.) So let’s shift to talk about how expensive all these things are.
Again, not expensive for me due to my particular situation, but this could be an absolute nightmare for someone else. When you sit and look at the battle of the government shutdown, affordable access to healthcare is not a small matter. And I will also say the pending lack of SNAP benefits for many of my fellow Americans IS ALSO not a small matter. And federal workers going without pay IS ALSO not a small matter. I know far too many individuals impacted by the government shutdown currently and it’s hard not be able to assist everyone without also putting my own fiscal security at risk.
Rather than let the conversation run away from us, let’s focus on the charges for some of these medical visits and tests.
Sometime before mid June, my health care costs already hit my family deductible ($3,300). Due to my decision last year to make use of my VA healthcare benefits in tandem with my outside medical coverage, I haven’t had an out-of-pocket expense. I was hesitant to switch care providers, but I went to a non-VA emergency room years ago and paid $200 out-of-pocket to be seen and saw what they charged my insurance company. I knew if my health worsened (and it has!) I’d get to the point where my medical care costs would be unsustainable and I’d potentially have to avoid seeking medical care. Letting medical problems fester is not the solution.
So I hit the deductible before June 15, 2025. ($3,300).
In August 2025, a visit to a neurologist resulted in a $401.08 charge.
A visit for bloodwork in late August had two separate billings: $660.05 and $456.36.
Bloodwork in September (a total of 13 line items) was billed for $2,477.00.
A Veterans Affairs Community Care neurology visit (meaning I saw a provider outside the VA) in September where I was only seen for 6 minutes–six freaking minutes–resulted in a bill for $307.55.
I needed that visit to request a skin punch biopsy, one of the tests to help diagnose a potential “lupus cousin” autoimmune disorder.
My October bloodwork (11 individual line items) ran up the largest amount billed in the amount of $2,937.00.
The physician services portion of that same visit ran in at $359.00.
Dear readers, that comes out to $10,898.04 of medical expenses and no answers.
I cannot receive any form of targeted treatment until we’ve determined what’s broken.
I am blessed that I don’t have to find a way to pay this, but many of my fellow Americans have that problem. That have zero answers and nothing but bills for their time. They are drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. Their plight for affordable health care is different from someone who rarely, if ever, needs medical care and who looks down on those with frequent doctors visits. Your neighbors aren’t a drain on the system; most are trying to lead better, healthier lives and if their health isn’t improving, they’re trying to have a comfortable existence until they pass away. Have some compassion. Anyone can have their lives turned upside by a medical problem.
A recent photo of me. You wouldn’t be able to tell how crazy my health has been this past year.
Gilmore Girls became my biggest companion during terminal leave–the show filling a void left behind when I no longer congregated daily with people. I became immersed in the small town of Stars Hollow, an imaginary community even smaller than the town I lived in during high school. Rory was–and forever will be–smarter than me. I have no qualms admitting that I never adopted her studious habits although I have considered reading many of the books she’s described as reading or books being associated with the show that have never been in my TBR pile. Apparently, I have a big challenge before me: Goodreads pegged her list just below 400 titles although other sites vary.
If I went back and looked over my life, I guess it’s likely that I’ve read something in that ballpark. I don’t keep all of my books though, and that’s what creates a real challenge for me. Maybe I could be considered a prolific reader even though I am not a fast reader.
This year I’ve taken up a greater appreciation for books from the public library. Not only do I want to reduce how much money I’m spending on books that I might not read more than once, I want to explore books that I wouldn’t have found so easily if I had wandered into a bookstore. Librarians are amazing people, and it is hard to see their world treated like garbage because many on the right have strong opinions against topics and books they find controversial. These professionals are my main points-of-contact for finding non-American, immigrant, and first generation American authors and I love their collections of cookbooks to hone my culinary skills. (Cookbooks are expensive!!!) My life is monumentally improved because these individuals studied library and information science for their career choices and their knack for designing the layout of my local spaces means it’s fun to wander my favorite sections and also to rush to the array of new books for a more unexpected find.
Reflecting on my admiration for the show (for the most part!), I think I am most appreciative of who Rory is as a learner. In this regard, I speak of her life outside of school and not her struggles to keep up with the Chilton students who have more experience with rigorous academic curriculums. We don’t get the full details on how she’s amassed her sizable book collection given her mom’s modest income, but there is a scene where she’s hunting for books at a massive town sale that gives me the idea the community book sales likely played a role. Getting books for cheap (or borrowing heavily from the public library) is a blessing I think we should all appreciate. Learning should always be accessible. (Side Note: Because I did not notice any books in the show with spine labels complete with Dewey Decimal markers, I think Rory’s books are either purchased or gifted to her or she gets school copies to return at the end of her classes.)
To go back to the show referenced reads for a minute, here are books I know with certainty I have read at some point in my life:
The Great Gatsby by F.Scott Fitzgerald
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank (I’ve read it two or three times)
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton (love it)
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
The Iliad by Homer
Beowulf
Night by Elie Wiesel (How anyone can deny the Holocaust after having read his story or about Anne Frank I will never know.)
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt (I loved Angela’s Ashes and hated ‘Tis)
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire (I’ve read all the Wicked books…love them all)
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes (one of the most life changing books I’ve ever read)
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust (I powered through it over a few years and I can see why Rory’s mother, Lorelai, gave up on it! It’s exhausting to read for the most part, and then there are moments of brilliance.)
The Odyssey by Homer
Shakespeare’s Sonnets by William Shakespeare
Stuart Little by E.B. White
My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult (honestly, each book of hers I’ve read has been wonderful)
The Story of My Life by Helen Keller
A Separate Peace by John Knowles
The Crucible by Arthur Miller
Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach (I don’t recall seeing this in the original series or the revival, but since it’s included from the list I reviewed, I will keep it listed for now.)
Walden by Henry David Thoreau
Sophie’s Choice by William Styron
How much of Shakespeare’s works outside of her sonnets I read from high school is murky for me. I don’t recall if we read the other works described in Gilmore Girls in their entirety or in selected pieces, so I am not including them here.
I went into this blog thinking I maybe only read 5-10 books that were referenced on the show. To have read 30 of them is a nice surprise for me.
We must remember that reading is a personal endeavor. There are some stories we come across in our schools that we like or dislike. There are some stories we might not encounter in our K-12 education system due to book bans and as adults it is our responsibility to think for ourselves about whether we’d like to read them or not. Some of our peers are faster readers and others savor a book like a quiet afternoon sipping coffee at a local cafe. One is not better than the other: the pace we approach reading a book will greatly influence the things we notice in it. There are times we have to consume a book like a meal on the road. Ploughing through a number of textbooks in a college semester is one such example. Sometimes, we’re busy as parents or holding down multiple jobs and skimming a book gives us enough escapism for that period of our existence. Other times, we want or need to slow down. I am in the second season. I’ve slowed down more than intended last year and this year. My health challenges have made even holding a book in my hands uncomfortable at times, and I haven’t yet found a love for audio books the way others do. For that reason, my reading list is shorter but one of great intention.
I might finally have some real answers this week on what’s going on with my body. The news will likely influence my future reading choices much like how physical pain the past year has taught me to appreciate reading as a different form of exercise.
These books aren’t all I’ve read this year. I read a lot of news and my work entails a significant amount of reading each day. If you’re like me and haven’t added a lot of books to your finished pile, don’t feel bad. Reading in all its forms matters. I’m too lazy to tally how many news articles I’ve read and my work involves reading and re-reading a lot of the same internal and external references that shape my work environment.
My 2025 completed reads are as follow, save for The Lupus Encyclopedia. I read most of the book when I was concerned my health woes were this autoimmune disorder.
Dear America: Notes of an Undocumented Citizen by Jose Antonio Vargas
No Two Persons by Erica Bauermeister
No Ordinary Assignment by Jane Ferguson
The Living and the Rest by Jose Eduardo Agualusa
They Will Tell You the World is Yours: On Little Rebellions and Finding Your Way by Anna Mitchael
Investigating Lois Lane: The Turbulent History of the Daily Planet’s Ace Reporter by Tim Hanley
Year of the Tiger: An Activist’s Life by Alice Wong
The Comprehensive Whiskey Course: A Comprehensive Tasting School in Ten Classes by Robin Robinson
The Cemetery of Untold Stories by Julia Alvarez
The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen
The Fun Habit: How the Pursuit of Joy and Wonder Can Change Your Life by Mike Rucker
She Followed the Moon Back to Herself by Amanda Lovelace
Let Me Be Like Water by S.K. Perry
In Conclusion, Don’t Worry About It by Lauren Graham
The Death of Expertise: The Campaign Against Established Knowledge and Why It Matters by Tom Nichols
I am currently reading the following:
Wayfinding: The Science and Mystery of How Humans Navigate the World by M.R. O’Connor
The Art of Danish Living: How to Find Happiness In and Out of Work by Meik Wiking
Before I close out today’s entry, I thought I’d mention that I don’t count cookbooks as reads. Cookbooks are valuable reading resources, too, even though I’ve excluded them from my personal book count. The one I’ve read almost in its entirely over the years is Samin Nosrat’s Salt Fat Acid Heat. Of the handful cookbooks I’ve purchased, including this one by Samin, most will devote pages before and after recipes with paragraphs about the origin of the recipe or ingredients or a story about that person’s upbringing. The same is true for most of the cookbooks I’ve borrowed from the library, and it would be considerate of me to carve some reading time for those stories in the same manner I’ve devoted myself to the recipes within those pages.
Good morning, everyone. I am checking in with you all before I start work. Today is a WFH day (yeah). I love starting my morning off with more of a leisurely pace. My new position has allowed me more freedom to work towards completing the first draft of my memoir. I work from home three days a week, giving me an extra hour before my shift to tackle my writing project. My goal is to complete the first draft in October. A desired concurrent goal was to also re-do all the OIF 2-2 casualty data I lost from a previous computer, but I am becoming more aware it’s better suited to a project that runs concurrent to editing my memoir drafts.
Drawing inspiration from Rooms of Their Own: Where Great Writers Write by Alex Johnson, I am letting you all take a small peek at my current home, my preferred writing space. My new home is filled with more natural light than than any of the homes my husband and I have purchased before; it also has more natural light than any of our rental homes, which have been journaling spaces but not any place where I’ve taken up memoir writing. I’ve also occasionally written in my working spaces, but those are brief pockets of break time that only permitted me, at best, a paragraph or two towards my project.
My current home is equipped with a large rectangular dining space that is opened to the living room and within sight line of our kitchen, but my preferred “public space” of the home to write in would be this breakfast nook. I like having the large window behind me. My preference is to write with natural light, but I’ll write in the evening parked under can lights or a ceiling pendant when the task requires it.
I draw a lot of inspiration for my writing from other books. You can learn a lot about what shape you want your memoir to take when you read other memoirs. A big decision I came to was not to use my memoir as a place to bitch about exes and family dysfunction. There might be a moment to share something that speaks to grief and stepping into my own potential due to being let down, but I’ve cringed at how I’ve seen other women left raw emotions in their memoirs instead of taking the necessary time to step away from the experience and learn from it. The two memoirs that made me cringe are Maid by Stephanie Land and Shade It Black: Death and After in Iraq by Jessica Goodell and John Hearn. Instead, I’ve found the way someone unpacks their past with critical awareness is someone I want to learn from; two of my favorites: Mary Pflum Peterson’s White Dresses: A Memoir of Love and Secrets, Mothers and Daughters and Jane Ferguson’s No Ordinary Assignment (still reading it currently). Once I complete my memoir draft, I’ll probably share a list of key books that helped me accept being vulnerable in my writing and those that have helped me improve my actual writing skills. (Dialogue writing is still a weakness of mine; I don’t like putting words in people’s mouths from memory.)
My family bookshelf includes cookbooks, a mixture of fiction and non-fiction works, and a rotation of library books.
I will admit, like a lot of writers, I also like a glass of something special while I write. Don’t judge! We had the option of purchasing a larger, less expensive wine fridge, but we went with a smaller, retro look Rocco fridge instead. We like the space on top for the bigger bottles and the different zones within allow us to balance the needs of wine, beer and non-alcoholic beer, and a few bottles of spirits. This won’t necessarily be a good fit for those concerned about kids getting into alcohol. We don’t have any little ones running around (save for a high drive Belgian Malinois). Our teenager is also incredibly responsible, and unless we notice a change in her behavior, we trust that we can leave our alcohol setup as is.
Last thing…every writer needs a snack of some sort. Our new pantry is decently sized. As time permits, I’d like to obtain a quote to make better use of the space, but this is a small peek at what we’ve got going on here. It’s not abnormal for us to have multiple boxes of Cheez-It’s and at least two flavors of Oreos in stock. The pantry is in less of a state of identity crisis compared to last year when we moved in. Out of sight, I have most of our flours lined up together; the salty snacks (olives, pickles, etc.) grouped in a bin; and chips usually end up together as neighbors.
Thanks for dropping in for a quick check-in. I only have a minute minutes left to spare before my paid job commences for the day, so it’s time for more coffee and a quick moment to organize.
Just over a month has past since I left my position with the Department of Veterans Affairs, and I’m liking my newfound settings. I was a presenter today for my new organization, not adding a whole lot to the overall day’s activity with the one PowerPoint presentation, but I was honestly surprised just how many questions were generated off my suggestions.
I carried a lot of doubt with me into my new position. It’s hard not to–I served veterans for the bulk of the past twelve years. As each new day gives away to another, I am starting to see it has all been quite relevant. I’ve gotten so used to laws changing every year that I look for the little tweaks that have the biggest impact. Today, I discussed with the lawyer present in the room how I didn’t have the interest or stamina to put myself into the legal field but my public work is adjacent to it and I feel I found my calling. A calling more natural to me than serving veterans. When I cared for my previous population, I often struggled to separate myself out for the situations they were in; I guess pretty normally that one veteran would want to keep another veteran from struggle. In my new role, I don’t have names and faces that I serve; I look at them as a giant group who need my respect, diligence, and patience to build a better system of tools to access benefits, understand their performance tools, and so forth.
Like my work with the VA, I will remain closed lipped on my current employer. Should we later terminate this working relationship, I will likely discuss my work with greater reflection on lessons learned, salary, and so forth.
Today’s blog entry was really a lot of sharing that I am happy and in the best paying position of my career. I’ve never earned six figures, and it’s wild, scary, and empowering. I get to see all my hard, unpaid (excluding VA education benefits) efforts in school and struggling through periods of underemployment helping me build a better legacy for my family.
Stepping out of veteran-centric spaces, I don’t know where the future of this blog will go. Maybe a name change will be in order. Maybe a new focus will reveal itself. For the time being, I will continue my quest to write monthly and be a voice of strength and encourage others to pursue their wildest (legal) dreams.
Before I close out for the day, a health update is in order.
My newest rheumatologist thinks my health problems are a lupus cousin, Sjögren’s, although I haven’t noticed the most common symptoms. She is also looking at the possibility of small fiber neuropathy. We still have work ahead of us, so right now, I am just accepting the summer heat is my best source of managing pain and choosing to not donate blood whenever blood donation opportunities come up since I don’t know if it’s safe for me or any potential individuals needing a blood donation.
Take care and I’ll try to drop in again in August.
Last month I forgot to check in with you all—my sincerest apologies might not mean much as I’m a stranger to most of you all, but I try to keep my “appointments” with you. A friend date of sorts is how I’ve tried to start treating my writing check-ins.
For those who have also kept up with checking in, you’ve seen me struggle with how the Trump Administration has treated federal employees. The stress since he returned to office runs the spectrum: some people barely notice him and others have had their jobs ripped away from them. Adding to the situation is the complicated feelings within families regarding values. My heart truly goes out to my fellow federal employees who lost their positions only to face the insult of family members cheering on this slash and burn approach to reducing the federal government. Many within the federal government would also tell you there are more efficient ways to do things, but cutting jobs before assessing what they actually contribute to public safety and services puts the public at risk that negates whatever reduction in spending resulted from it.
I was also stunned that the message was “reduce federal government spending” while rolling out the Deferred Resignation Program. These two short-term objectives are directly in opposition to each other and then the mixed messaging associated with DRP added other challenges as agencies sorted out what roles qualified—a kind of reverse sorting hat than the one in the Harry Potter films and books. Instead of asking ourselves what traits suit someone to a particular house (or job), the agencies have had to ask themselves in whittling down their forces per the Reduction in Force guidelines thrust at them what jobs are more valuable to the mission and what has the appearance of redundancy. I won’t say what jobs are redundant, because as our society has grown it was wholly necessary to increase the federal workforce to provide more services and more timely services.
I had a great local team in my current role who have helped enable me to keep my position while navigating my current health challenges. My supervisors never stood in my way of the medical appointments I needed and I had the open door policy to ask any myriad of questions to be better at my job. With choosing to leave, I feel it’s safe to open up about the type of work and why I’m leaving.
For just over two years, I’ve made the Department of Veterans Affairs my home and just last year I became a Rating Veterans Service Representative (RVSR). I would review claims for disability compensation, and I loved a lot of what I was tasked with to serve our nation’s veterans. This is the job I started chasing down years ago. I thought critically about what I’m leaving behind: a supportive coach and assistant coach, coworkers and friends I care about, and a meaningful mission.
So what happened?!
The return to office order added challenges to my quality of life. Although I am continuing a workup for lupus, I have the mental energy to keep working. What I needed was a reasonable accommodation to telework under my old arrangement because the cold of the office environment and extra physical activity increase the severity and frequency of body pain I’m dealing with currently. We occupy GSA-leased buildings and are prohibited from using space heaters at work. We also have limited parking, so the employee parking lot was limited to more senior employees based on service computation date. I found an alternate parking arrangement, but it does mean more physical activity that worsens my symptoms.
I started the reasonable accommodation process back in late February and when it was still lingering close to the return to office date, I even asked for an interim RA at the start of May. The request was still lingering when I inquired about it last week.
I am fortunate my coach and assistant coach were willing to hear me out on my frustrations and understand why I am leaving. The hope is my complaint and departure lights a fire for positive change.
I am working through the background check for a new hybrid position that has employee parking on site that should allow me to better manage my symptoms, allowing me to retain employment on par with my education and career background. For now though, I am working on getting my home and wardrobe in order for the new position and trying to relax a little amid this originally unplanned career departure.
I’m one of the many Americans disappointed Trump is back in office. I am not alone. Many people are taking different approaches to highlight his (and Musk’s) ineptitude and how the cruel actions of these two men are harming Americans and our global relations now that the new administration underway.
There’s so much I could say and want to say, but I love the slew of images capturing the situation right now. We’ve got some serious “Did that just happen?” stuff going on. Let’s dive right in.
Hello, everyone. 2024 is almost done and with the winter solstice behind us, we are settling into a new season.
This past month, like any other, has varied between highs and lows. I love fall. It is my favorite season and I anticipate it to be my favorite for the rest of my life. Seeing the world fall away from the flashiness of summer and embrace all things that feel cozy speaks to me. I’ve come to love fall more as each Arizona summer becomes more unbearable and makes me contemplate moving out of this state to seek refuge elsewhere. (Conveniently forgetting that plenty of places have unbearable snow blanketed winters instead of scorching heat in the summer.) My biggest achievement last month was setting up my family military history locker. The company I purchased from is Mustard Made. Their Twinny locker has been my favorite although plenty of other companies also produce lockers; this one cost me just over $700 with shipping, making it something worth waiting for to ensure it was 100% what I wanted (color included).
This locker houses military items that once belonged to my late father-in-law, things from my father’s service, numerous training materials my husband collected, and all the sentimental things that make up my service, including the only set of uniforms I saved (minus the cover that’s gone missing). There is one scrapbook that is not shown in the locker. I had forgotten to move over my boot camp photo album as I’ve been toiling away on my memoir and numerous journals, photos, and letters have traveled from my home office to my living room or dining room or breakfast nook to my bedroom, depending on where I was writing. I have never established a designated space devoted to writing, but as a quick aside, if you wonder about authors’ writing spaces please read Rooms of Their Own: Where Great Writers Write by Alex Johnson.
I don’t collect military memorabilia, but I realized I do take pride in keeping some things that have become souvenirs. The Marine Corps, like any service branch, is always changing. It might change at a slower pace than our sister service branches, but I love to see how the service and I have changed over time. Challenge coins and foreign currency I picked up in Qatar and Iraq are housed here with the paper coins my service branch used in our post exchanges (PX’s) versus taking on the more expensive endeavor of bringing actual American coins overseas. My journal entries show that I struggled a lot emotionally with my time in service; I went from being thrilled to join, eager to serve in Iraq, frustrated with expectations, and ultimately, unwilling to continue on the path of feeling like I had to constantly do more to show I earned my place at the table. I say these things because not everyone’s service feels this way. It is ok to love and despise military discipline. I felt like there’s a lot about being a person that gets lost in the duty to country and if my voice was heard more, maybe I would have considered staying in for at least a second enlistment.
Leaving the Marine Corps opened other doors and I don’t want those doors to be considered lesser options, because challenges await us all whether it’s in-service, post-service, or we’ve never served a day in our nation’s military. I used my education benefits to offset the cost of four college degrees, two VA home loans in my name, VA health care (only more recently), and receive VA disability compensation based on health issues tied to my time in the Marine Corps. My life has been transformed, positively and negatively, from service and I continue to reflect on how serving in the Marine Corps shaped my life and the stories I tell my daughter who will one day only have stories about me to share with her children (should she choose to have them). The challenges this past month have centered on health issues and I was originally hesitant to share anything after UnitedHealthcare CEO, Brian Thompson, was killed December 4th. There were enough stories coming from others who have been frustrated with their ability to utilize healthcare and at a reasonable cost. There are stories worst than mine and I stayed out of the fray, allowing others to vent, including their worst thoughts about the loss of a man whose total compensation last year was $10.2 million made it hard for the average American to emphasize. His death, a tragedy of its own, was no less tragic than the many Americans whose lives are negatively impacted, to include their own deaths, based upon the myriad of challenges plaguing our healthcare system and the insurance companies who decided what services are warranted, to what extent will be paid, and when services can be accessed.
I am not the first to admit our country is terrible as far as healthcare access is concerned. I wish that was not the case. We’re a wealthy nation that does far too much to conserve wealth for those at the top at the expense of those at the bottom. Our country deserves to have a healthcare system that leans more towards a universal health care system. Perhaps one day we’ll get closer to that objective as more and more Americans are disgusted with the status quo and what that means for those living with chronic diseases and their family members that have perished due to unnecessary challenges associated with getting referrals and paying for care.
Developing edema last year and seeing the expenses related to that ER visit played a role in using private health care as little as possible. The timing of the visit made it less terrible than it could have been. I paid $200 or so out-of-pocket that evening and later saw that the total visit was about $5,000 sent to my healthcare company. We’d met our deductible, so things were ok financially but not all families are so lucky, especially if their medical needs have higher regular costs to manage them. My problems pale in comparison to theirs. The edema is a consistent issue and varies by day, but throughout the year, I developed nerve issues that started in my feet, moved up my leg, and after switching my exercise routine to pilates to manage my leg issues, I soon started exercising nerve issues in both arms. Since nerve issues are one of those invisible health conditions that are hard to demonstrate, I wanted to share with you all the swelling and redness that developed in my hands over the past few months.
Sudden redness after putting on sweaterAlmost instant reduction in redness after removing sweater
My health care journey has included blood work and starting hand occupational therapy (OT) to manage my upper body concerns. Over the next month, I will begin working with physical therapy and have asked to start with my lower body extremities. About mid-November, I developed a fire-like nerve pain in my right upper thigh and daily, it still develops an uncomfortable warmth and sensitivity to fabrics. I cannot access a referral to rheumatology or cardiology (based on my exercise intolerance) until we’ve navigated lesser care options at the Veterans Health Administration. The OT is lessening the severity of the upper body nerve pain, but it is not completely gone nor has it alleviated the swelling, stiffness, and redness that develops in my palms. I started taking ibuprofen on my own to address my concerns although I did ask my provider to consider whether my combination of symptoms might represent lupus. (I am grateful for others in the medical care community who tell me to be my own advocate, which is why I brought up this concern.)
My symptoms more closely match lupus more than anything I’ve been able to find on my own.
hair loss/excess shedding (this past year)
reduced exercise tolerance
hand stiffness with swelling
hand redness
nerve issues (all extremities)
possible brain fog (I say possible because I am constantly learning new things at work and cannot determine if it’s a struggle to learn new things and balance the busyness of this season or if something else is at play)
possible weight loss connection (I’ve lost 11 pounds this year I thought might only be tied to a prescribed low sodium diet but now I wonder if this might be a lupus symptom, too.)
Based on my challenges that have worsened since September, I’ve adjusted my home life a lot. (Thankfully, my supervisor and work mentor are great supports, so all I’ve done there is taken more sick leave to attend to my appointments.) My family is helping more when my issues make prepping meals, opening jars, or grabbing groceries more difficult. My exercise routine centers more on walks. I don’t run and I haven’t picked up pilates again as reducing my heart rate during exercise seems to positively reduce the amount of daily nerve pain. I am sticking to lighter weight routines and taking more time in-between sets to address my heart rate and prevent more exhaustion. Cooking is a space I am navigating carefully and trying to not feel frustrated that some meals are too complicated to make right now without more help.
I picked up Food 52’s Big Little Recipes by Emma Laperruque from the public library and the pared back recipes have been a blessing. This week I will make the smash-fried potato salad with sweet pickles and red onion, pork meatloaf with cabbage slaw, and asparagus and cashews with green polenta. Here is one of the previous recipes I made. I could not fit everything into the cast iron skillet I have. Instead, I had to spoon some of the schmaltz into a measuring cup and add it to a second skillet to roast the radishes. My store did not have radishes with greens still attached, so the results varied. I would recommend if you’re in the same boat you can pair with a green salad.
With the year ending so soon, I want to extend good wishes and lots of blessings for you and yours this season. Stay humble! 2024 may have been wonderful all around or hit you terribly hard. I don’t see what you’ve achieved or the pain you’ve endured, but my heart asks that you keep your chin up and reflect on your current situation. Don’t let pain let you sink further and don’t let your achievements stall you from becoming the best version of yourself. You can be an inspiration on both spectrums, but you need to take care of yourself first before you can give space for others who would benefit from your influence.
My apologies for skipping a check-in here for the month of October.
I let my favorite month get away from me and neglected to post. Instead, I spent a lot of time attending to my life outside this website. As the election drew near, I devoted my time to crafting the stories I wanted to share in my memoir. This long journey developing my first draft is still in progress; I like to imagine if I had a background in journalism, creative writing, communications, or English, my project would already be done by now. Instead, it has been an almost forgotten friendship that I visit–to stave off its death. My memoir has become an apology to my younger self for what I put her through and an exploration of the relationships that sustained me, harmed me, caused me to look to the future and ask myself what do you want to become and how are you going to get there and who is capable of traveling that journey with you.
This past month has been a pivot point as the individual stories are finally connecting to each other. I am grateful for my slow devotion because it is far too easy to give up and say it’s emotionally damaging to look back on my failures. There are a number of ways people showed up for me at the same time other people were barely putting any effort into the intersection of their lives with mine. When I look back at those difficult moments, I wish I had the courage to trust my first instincts. Things I felt didn’t line up the way the should and instead I gave some people a lot of grace given their past poor judgements and decisions. I opened myself up to needless hurt while they were running around destroying their own lives. Learning to see my 20-21 year old self and her struggles, I see she gave a number of people a blank slate to start their lives over and people punished her for the sins of women who came before her. I could have been a different person in some of the most difficult months of my life if I wasn’t holding space for people who treated me like a throwaway character in their own stories. I survived them, and it’s time I am honest about what it’s like to stop choosing to walk through chaos to heal hurt I never caused when I can choose shelter from storms I didn’t foster, peace of mind surrounded by like-minded spirits, and build a happy existence away from bitter souls.
This Thanksgiving I am leaning more into a life of peace and appreciating my blessings. The transition from 2023 to 2024 has been far from an easy one. Losing three family members was devastating. Finding time to sell one house and buy a new one heightened my personal stress as I also navigated moving from one work position to a temporary assignment to my current role. Developing yet another slew of health symptoms a source of frustration. My ongoing health challenges don’t yet have an official diagnosis and I will end 2024 in that same boat. Months of nerve pain and discomfort brought on by physical exertion is forcing me to slow down in ways I would not choose for myself. I would love to know what’s going on, but my new health care provider is having me go through a gamut of other lesser avenues of care and potential pain management through occupational therapy and physical therapy before seeing if we need to consult rheumatology. Right now, I am still waiting on answers for my last round of bloodwork, but the holidays are coming up and I am determined to enjoy my tradition of crafting something new for my family to enjoy.
Lamb is the on the menu for our entree and I decided I would like to add some American Indian/Indigenous persons touches to our holiday given the complex origins and ongoing celebration of Thanksgiving. I cannot really say why I hadn’t thought of it before. I haven’t unpacked whether I was concerned it would be culturally appropriate or whether I wasn’t sure I would be skilled enough to try out the recipes and/or able to find the ingredients. Rather than criticize myself for coming to this late realization it would be good for me as an American to try my hand at making this type of cuisine, I am hoping it encourages someone else to do the same. We’ll be using the New Mexico Magazine sumac Navajo leg of lamb with onion sauce recipe to craft our holiday entree although ours will use lamb shanks and lamb neck due to my lack of understanding I could ask my local butcher ahead of time to order a leg of lamb or a lamb roast, the other suggested cut within the recipe. In lieu of dinner rolls, we will make Navajo fry bread, a family favorite, although I made the mistake of not picking up powdered milk so I will adjust my plans and find a recipe that uses regular milk that I already have on hand. The milk I have is lactose free and this will be my first time frying with it, so I need to watch it in case it behaves differently like how it browns more quickly when baking with it.
Our main side dish is the enkum recipe below. I found this recipe a few months ago in The Cookbook in Support of the United Nations: For People and Planet I borrowed from a public library. In the past few years, I’ve come across a number of articles on making Thanksgiving dinner less beige (think white dinner rolls, gravy, turkey, stuffing) and boring. I love how this is a nutrient dense potato dish and the vibrant colors will make for a beautiful contrast to the lamb entree. I will still keep some “traditional” beige on the plate with the stuffing although this year I found a stuffing mix made from Hawaiian bread that caught my eye.
I have one thing that I absolutely love from my childhood and that’s Ocean Spray jellied cranberry sauce. I don’t care that it’s not healthy for me with all the added sugar and the fact it’s low fiber. I love it far too much to care that it’s lacking in nutritional value. While I will occasionally indulge in mine or someone else’s homemade cranberry sauce, if we are going for the stuff in the can, it better be Ocean Spray jellied cranberry sauce. The generic stuff won’t do–it’s not worth saving the $0.30 or $0.40 a can for this stuff.
And for one of the first years in awhile, I don’t have a dessert planned. Originally, I considered making a homemade ice cream with the frozen leftover crumbled chocolate chip pumpkin cookies a girlfriend made for us back in September, but I want a less busy holiday. We have some German Benton’s Spekulatius Cookies we picked up from Aldi’s recently or we could enjoy the Mexican assorted cookies we have in the pantry. There’s always a local family farm we could visit for fudge or pie if we want to venture out in the next few days, too.
Before I leave you all for this month, I do want to say I plan to have a bit of a hiatus to concentrate on my memoir. Whether I stick to said hiatus is another story. I love the fact I am finally past the 300 page mark for my memoir and I want to help see my first draft through completion before the end of 2024. This work has helped me to see the burdens I carried from my service and the blessing of people who want the best for me while I haven’t always worked towards that goal for myself. I’ve gotten to see myself in moments of deep pain and setting big dreams for the future. Next year will be the 20-year mark returning home from my first tour in Iraq and I think a bit fitting of a time to ideally see the draft come together as a finished project I want to market for publication. I cannot juggle that endeavor all that well if I have my regular 40-hour a week job and weeks of planning what to post on this blog. If I do check in, I think it might be a paragraph or two wishing you all well and I hope that’s enough.
I want to deliver this memoir to those who seek to understand our nation’s military better and what service members go through. I want this memoir to show young adults military service is always changing and to help people who have never served to see another facet of the Iraq war. This book is not meant for everyone, like any good story. It is an appreciation letter to a number of people who have worked to make my goal of serving come to fruition, to those who supported me through the unknowns of that first tour, for those who tolerated my anti-social behavior on tour number two, and the ones who met me along the finish line to ending my four year enlistment in the Marine Corps. I do want to see a second book come to light, too, to honor a number of passionate persons who helped get me diagnosed with PTSD and get the treatment I deserved, but it won’t come together as it needs to without book 1 happening first.
Wishing you and yours a lot of blessings this holiday season.
She Wears Dogtags 