What is ‘Home’?

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I’m on Day 2 of my Staycation so it’s exciting to drop in for today’s June entry. I know I don’t relax well; I have a difficult relationship with leisure time. As much as I crave it, I also have my heart and brain tugging at me to make great use of my time. I am one of those people who has to learn to be ok with slowing down which is not something I’ve done much of as I’ve juggled full-time work and school. Funny story, but I’ve noticed that once I became eligible to work, I juggled more than one commitment.

My pattern of activity has differed over the years. I started working part-time in high school, holding down that job for two years. I also partially committed to sports, completing two seasons of track and one season of cross county. I only made it through one semester of college before picking up a student worker position. During my Marine Corps career, I occasionally picked up college classes, paying for them with DoD tuition assistance. A return to college after separating from the Marine Corps also meant a return to part-time work. I did not find a decent paying position when we moved to Wyoming so I committed solely to my undergraduate studies until we decided to have our daughter and then I juggled parenthood and collegiate studies until my May 2012 graduation. The short “break” in excess commitments ended in 2014 when I returned to school as a graduate student while working full-time. I graduated May 2016 but I picked up another graduate program October 2017, again while working full-time.

Big sigh here. I am my own worst enemy about overcommitting myself to projects.

It’s a big part of why I’ve taken a break from my memoir writing and my blog writing. I’ve needed to rest to see how far I’ve come in my journey and to reflect on the right things, instead of the things that have been difficult. I want to present you all with my best self and to do so means slowing down. I have to be ok with not getting the draft of my memoir finished this year (or realizing I am still capable of getting it done once my degree program is finished). It’s not a paid project, yet, so I should not beat myself up for taking my time with what is to be my longest writing endeavor.

Getting back on track with today’s lesson, I am here to talk about developing a sense of home. I’ve been blessed to live in many different areas, some domestic and some places overseas. In each instance, I had a family arrangement composed of biological and non-biological relations which also includes friends. When I was overseas, I remained connected to my domestic group using snail mail, e-mails, and MySpace. 2007 was the last time I was overseas, but I still use technology to keep in touch with my domestic group, favoring Instagram and Facebook, and my overseas connections. (I’m pretty certain I also stopped using MySpace in late 2007 and started Facebook some time in 2008; I’m pretty late to using Instagram, only creating an account in 2016!).

With my journeys, I’ve developed an eclectic home with my husband and daughter. It is part California and Rhode Island. Ocean blues dominate in many different areas: furniture, clothing, and towels, for example. The touches are not nautical themed, but we do have some ocean artwork in our residence. My coastal life and regional upbringing are more present in my food preferences. Meals at home have included shrimp, scallops, clams and oysters, a variety of fish, langoustine, Mexican chorizo and Gaspar’s chourico.  It’s hard to think of a pasta I don’t enjoy; I can, instead, list my preferences for you. A love of travel also influences our decor, food choices, and down the road, our tile choices for our dream home. I’ve shared a few things below I’ve found through Instagram and love.

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I know this entry is quite different from many that focus on my time in the Marine Corps and my service in Iraq. Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death and I wanted to reflect on the adult I’ve become because I moved away from home, the place she grew up. Rhode Island is beautiful in many ways, but there’s always this part of me that felt it wasn’t where I was meant to stay. It is, though, a place I return to and I appreciate it greatly when I am there.

My home is different from the home she created for our family. Her home was eclectic, too, in a different way. While these family photos show our family members front and center, please also pay attention to the decor style. Each of us come into our own by our upbringing, resources, and societal influences during our life course. My mother was someone who was not only a care taker of her children, but someone with a green thumb she did not pass along. The array of indoor plants she kept is not something I’ve mastered in my own life. We can barely manage cut flowers and I’ve only recently nurtured my daughter’s $7.99 orchid from Trader Joe’s, mostly because that thing only needs 2 Tablespoons of water once a week. My mother’s home reflected a country influence with an interesting love of Chinese white and blue ceramics and black lacquer screens. She liked floral print fabric place mats and could sew curtains for our home.

When we lived in our Chula Vista, California townhome with its patio (probably the same size of slightly smaller than my current one), our home was filled with some trending home decor items of the 1980’s and 1990’s. We had woven wood bowls similar to these and oversized wooden utensils for wall decor. She had these macrame style owls on our walls and our childhood birthday parties lacked the overdone party themes present in today’s childhood parties to make them Instagram worthy. She was not a person who lived being photographed so it’s hard to find photos of her and also photos of our past homes to show off her design choices.

She was a simple woman in her preferences and style. She loved to read. Aside from V.C. Andrews novels and true crime books, she would regularly pick up gossip magazines. She dressed pretty casually for the most part but also had some dress clothes, particularly for going out with her girlfriends. I never adopted her love of going out dancing with friends, but she helped to build my love of reading. Her book collection was not off limits to us and she is also the reason I had quite a love affair for Pier 1 Imports for many years.

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Our dining room in our Chula Vista townhome.
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Our last Christmas together. My mother was dealing with Stage 4 lung cancer.
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The floral print tile in the background of these photo is one of my mom’s last design choices in our Rhode Island home.
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My late mother in our Imperial Beach, CA home (possibly 1996). 
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My sisters and I in our Imperial Beach, California rental home.

It’s fun to think of what her thoughts would be on my adult home that is so vastly different and also similar to her own and the plans for which are more global than local in inspiration. We both have been drawn to blue in our homes, with a wedge wood blue once dominating her kitchen cabinets whereas we’ve chosen Behr’s Dawn Gray (a dramatic dark blue in natural light that appears gray at other times) for different parts of our current home. Our family garage in our Imperial Beach home served as her exercise/home office and our home is littered in different areas with weight plates and other exercise equipment. I’ve replaced her Tony Robbins cassette tapes with a series of self-improvement and writing reference books. In lieu of her Asian inspired home decor and wooden wall art, my family’s first home features various wooden furniture and someday our forever home will feature geometric Middle East inspired tile. I am not as fond of floral prints and plant maintenance but I am not opposed to some cacti and succulents for greenery in our outdoor space. These low maintenance plants are well-suited to my poor nurturing skills and the needs of our local environment.

And to end on a real light note, I am not sure what my mom would think of my vegan and vegetarian food choices. As a mother of four, she had more practical choices to make with her limited food budget. I think she would have been hesitant to try things like tofu, jackfruit, almond coconut milk, and vegan cheeses. While I am not happy when we have food waste, I also recognize it’s good for my family to try new things like these items so I test out food recipes–even vegan and vegetarian options to encourage more fruit and vegetable consumption in my household–more than I think I ever saw my mother do during my upbringing. (Side note: We aren’t strong fans of vegan cheese but we do like the vegan ice cream options we’ve had in the past.) I know in making these comparisons, too, there will never be a complete “apples to apples” comparison with my mother’s choices as so much as changed in society from 1984 when I was born to 2000 when she passed and where things are now in 2019. It’s still fun though to think of what these stories mean for our family. As I’ve learned, our sense of ‘home’ is uniquely created and something we continue to develop over our lifetimes which impact not only us but the people we bring into this space.